Jar of Hearts

Things are fine really they are- it’s just me that’s not ok at all. I don’t know how many days in a row now I’ve been overdosing on zopiclone and lorazepam and I’ve been taking at least 10 of either of these during the day or more. I’ve have also been self harming in the shower the past three days when I get to have my shower after I’ve put my son to bed. But he cuts I did in the shower didn’t feel enough. I took a sharpener blade to my leg after my shower and the blood has just been running down my leg saturating my dark navy blue pyjama bottoms and I had to pit two pairs of black socks to soak up all the blood that was running down my leg. It’s scarey…no matter how much more I started to bleed and bleed it just wasn’t enough. I made a doctors appointment yesterday or the day before to say I needed a bit more help with n increase in my medication but the earliest appointment they had wasn’t till next Wednesday.

I’m still not eating well at all but my parents are on and on about me about it and they keep saying “well you know what will happen if you’re not well enough to look after Harry, he’ll go straight to his other grandparents because we’re too ill to look after him and that will obviously cause us a lot of grief and upset.” And I was thinking sarcastically to myself “gosh you know what, I didn’t have a clue about any of that!” Gosh there’s no trying to help me through this is there, just how much they’d suffer without Harry if he had to be looked after my his dad’s grandparents. Well if you don’t that situation to happen will you stop being so harsh with me and stop telling me things I don’t already know, I’m not thick, you and mum could at least try and fucking help me rather than guilt trip me about not feeling well.

I am not my best without your fucking help. I know I have self harmed badly tonight but Harry doesn’t have a clue a anything is wrong, everything is going well for him, he is  very happy and healthy and has a great routine and it’s all thanks to me anyway!! My parents have not have to step in and look after Harry on my behalf not once because I’ve been too unwell to, not once, I’ve need doing everything for him and sorting everything for him and driving him everywhere he needs to go and driving to the shops to get everything he needs so what the fuck are they complaining about, Just because I’m a single mm doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to be ill at all, like ever!

I know I have had a time the last few days but they will piss…maybe not next week or the week after but maybe even tomorrow who knows. My parents piss me off so much, try and sit down and talk with me about what’s wrong, let me talk about my fears and worries about the future and how the past haunts me so much, let me talk about my friend Jodi and how much I miss…be parents for goodness sakes and try help your daughter if you really don’t ant to end up in the situation where you lose me and Harry if we all mean that fucking much to you. But they never will. They’ll just tell me how little Harry must mean to me if I’m willing to cut myself still ok fine you think that to yourself, you guys don’t understand shit. I don’t need you guys anyway, just keep your fucking opinions to yourself and stop making me fee about a million times worse than I already do. I will be ok and Harry will be ok, I can get through this, you’ll see.

Ok tattoo for my son annoyingly uploaded upside-down but I really am not in the mood to fix it xxxx

 

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