Cold

Harry is doing great still, he’s happy and up to mischief and he’s just so funny and sweet. He sings song to himself now, the one he hears on cBeebies like the Go Jetters and Dr. Ranj and Big Barn Farm and he also sings twinkle twinkle star to himself and Hickory Dickory Dock, it’s really cute. He can definitely count to ten in English and Spanish and he lets us know if the red light has appeared on the router meaning the internet has stopped working. He’s so clever. And no he doesn’t know I’m not ok, I haven’t cried in front of or anything, I can’t like I don’t have a care in the world and we laugh and have fun, Harry is good 🙂

I know I am not good at all and I am surprised at how long it’s taking to pass…it’s been since the end of last November really. Where I took a blade to my leg a couple of days ago and it really bled GOSH it’s been hurting so much, I have to walk with a limp sometimes, urgh. There are smaller cuts all over the rest of my legs but as they’ve been healing they’ve been itching and I just itch them so much as well as the cuts my legs are covered in bruises from scratching so hard.

I hadn’t taken any lorazepam for like two days but suddenly I went upstairs by myself and sat on my bedroom floor and I was feeling so tired. I just hutched up and hugged my legs into myself and was just like that for ages. I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling but I just want to be depressed on my own sometimes and play depressing music and overdose and cut and just let it all out then have a period of rest where I can really be nice to myself. But I can’t now, I have Harry. So after sitting there for a good ten minutes staring into space I took 10mg of lorazepam (4mg is the maximum dose so yeah I overdosed but I’m ok) and decided to take Harry for a walk down the Taff trail with my mum since it was a beautiful clear, bright blue skied day with not a cloud in the sky. It’s only like 3 or 4 degrees but as long as it’s not raining and the sun is shining with a beautiful blue sky I certainly don’t mind it being cold. But of course I didn’t really get to go on the walk. Last time I tried to take Harry for a walk it was with his ride along tractor but I ended up carrying it more for most of the walk than him actually riding it! He wanted to bring the tractor again but I said no as I’d end up carrying it most of the time. Harry seemed to get over this quickly but as soon as we got outside he was saying to me “pick me up, pick me up!” And I said ok until we walk down the hill and cross the road to wear the trail actually starts then ok. But he still didn’t go down. S0 I made another deal that I’d carry him until we got the to the main cycle/walking track but he still wanted me to carry him the whole way. So I told my mum to carry on and go for a nice walk herself and I carried Harry back home. I wish I could have gone on the walk. It was so beautiful out and I was thinking it could help with how I was feeling.

I keep being caught up in the past and while of course you can never completely write off the past because it actually happened you can’t just say forget about it it doesn’t exist anymore because it does, we would couldn’t;t have a present or a future without the past so it’ll always be there. But I’m trying to look more to the future and trying to not be so hung up about the things my lengthy hospital admission stopped me doing in the past and that there are options for the future and who knows what will end up happening, maybe it’s not so bleak as I am imagining. Not everyone has to go to university and have a degree…the future has endless possibilities and as long as I’m still alive anything could happen, even all the good stuff! For both me and Harry!

I wish I wasn’t struggling with myself in the sense that all the thoughts in my head weigh to heavily and my self harm hurts so bad and I just want to drug myself and not think anymore or care about much. The power of prescription drugs is definitely a tough one for me at the moment, I am really struggling with it. I’m just trying to numb the crap going on in my head because the negative thoughts it has runs on a constant cycle and a million miles an hour and it drives me fucking insane, I just want it to calm down and stop but I have to keep looking after Harry so my body cant even slow down and stop either. Even when Harry is in nursery or with his dad I’m at the shops getting want he needs, I’m at the pharmacy sorting out, picking up or dropping off repeat prescriptions, I’m sorting out my own prescriptions, I run out of some creams for Harry and I have to make doctors appointments and then at home I’m doing the washing and changing the bed and cleaning and etc etc, I don’t actually stop to do much chill out stuff. Anyway urgh I feel like crap and I’m struggling and I have no friends and that’s all my fault I have no one.

4 thoughts on “Cold”

  1. Dear Rogue, I consider you my friend. I know, it is nothing like having someone there to go shopping with and stuff. But I am here for you. I really, really care. I’m so glad Harry is doing well. You are doing a great job with him.
    May I suggest…..don’t skip your lorazepam. You can get by for a day or two, then your whole world will seem to crash inward on you and crush you. Be thankful for your medication. Many people can’t get it. And self-harming…dear girl, just don’t do it. Please. It doesn’t help anything and you risk infection. I used to do it too. One day I felt as if God told me it hurt Him when I self-harmed. That made me quit. I still have scars, but haven’t hurt myself in many years now. God loves you. Don’t leave Him out. Teach Harry how to pray (just talking to God). Have prayers at bedtime together. He will take to it like a duck to water. I want you to feel so much better. I am praying for you tonight. May God change your hurt into comfort and rest. Blessings and blessings to you, dear girl.

  2. Thank you so much for your kind words, friend…but I just don’t deserve them. if people really knew me in person it’d be a such different story…I don’t deserve such lovely people like you taking their time to read about my whiney crap all the time…but I’m grateful that you do even if I don’t deserve it. How are you?

  3. Dear Rogue, I know that you DO deserve kind words and encouragement. You always put Harry ahead of yourself. You are a wonderful Mom — or Mum (smile). We all mess up sometimes and are not the mamas we want to be. We get exhausted and are not our best. But Harry is a happy boy, he has a good life with you, you make sure of it. So I am proud of you, because I know it is a battle every day. But you’re winning! HUG!

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