Editing TEAS LPN application “essay”

first timer over here ok so let me introduce myself my name is Not telling you and im here because I want to blab about a current irritating situation in a place where no ones feelings will get hurt if I say whatever I want. this post is about editing my sisters essay.. note that I am just blabbing here so my misspelt words and missing commas and shit don’t matter, and that I did lightly edit and present a corrected version to my sister for suggestions. and I care about the little cutie and I don’t know how to tell her that her essay is horrid and embarrassing so im just gonna let it out here plus I don’t even think other “users” can and will see this post anyways so it doesn’t even matter :p but feel free to comment if you do see it in the world

 

k so my little sister [bless her heart] trying so hard to get into this LPN class at the local college. LPN is Licensed Practical Nurse, which is the nurse who comes in, asks questions/explains and assists procedures/takes vitals/evaluates med. history/ logs info and so forth. she decided about a month ago this was her new career decision and paid the application fee to apply and take an entry test to be accepted into the program and here is her essay to this question on her application: “In essay format, explain what made you want to become a LPN?”

(this is what she asked me to edit):

            Essay Portion

            Many people would define a nurse as someone who treats patients that are sick or injured, but they provide much more than medical treatments; nurses are also there for the emotional support and care of their patients’ needs. What I imagine in my future is a career where I can help people and bring a little bit of happiness into their day. Furthering my education in the Practical Nursing program at *** excites me because not only will I be opening doors for my future, I will also be able to make a difference in people’s lives.

            Hospitals and doctors office can be intimidating and cause anxiety to say the least, but having a helpful and cheerful nurse can make a positive impact on the patients’ experience. When first entering a medical facility people are greeted by a nurse, throughout the stay they will be visited by nurses, and finally they check out with a nurse at the end; at many facilities the nurses are considered the true face of patients’ experience by bringing a little cheer and understanding to their day. They are available for medical advice to the doctor as well as to the patients. When I was in the hospital with appendicitis I was prescribed an antibiotic that made me incredibly ill, and a nurse suggested I may be allergic to the medication. The nurse was partially responsible for my full recovery. Her caring nature in the medical field inspired me to also make a difference in the lives of others no matter which health facility team I join.

            By obtaining a higher education in the medical field, many opportunities will open up to further satisfy my career goals. With new illnesses and injuries being presented every day, nurses are always going to be needed in abundance in all medical facilities. Doctors’ offices, specialty facilities, emergency hospitals and much more all employ nurses of all levels of education; therefore as a person with a practical nursing license, there are a plethora of career opportunities available anywhere in the United States. Furthering my education in the Practical Nursing program and procuring a license will allow me to find a position that best challenges and expands my mind.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. once stated “A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” Learning and experiencing new studies is important in the development of my mind; I yearn to be taught concepts that are new to me and learn information in a field in which I am passionate for. Furthering ones education brings a sense of new purpose and meaning into their life and makes them feel important as well as useful to their community. Not only can one be taught in a classroom setting, but after graduation in a career setting there is much to be learned daily. Setting and reaching the goal of obtaining a Practical Nursing license gives me a sense of significance and value to my community.

By participating in the Practical Nursing program at MTC I will be able make a difference to other people’s lives at the same time as expanding my education in a plentiful career field. Nurses help ease anxiety about medical procedures, acquire more knowledge on a daily basis, and they have a wide range of career opportunities. I strive to be a useful member of our community, and by becoming a nurse I will be able to give back by helping others.

ok so heres what I think. to me this sounds bored, repetitive and half effort. I think she is stressed out overwhelmed and rushed and pulled together some cute sentences that sound a little.. “beggy”.

—I think using the word anxiety represents a diagnosis, if you will, and to me it feels over reaching. especially when you aren’t licensed to make diagnoses. hence the class applicatioin “essay”… also the semi colon is immature, or cutesy, or something; I don’t think anyone can successfully pull off the semi colon and its a risky accessory to add to an admissions type letter. quotes are ok.. but I think this one wouldn’t be missed if it were left out. I agree with the intent to show inspiration, but it feels like a google quote that gave a little push to the topic, but that there is a better way to do this here.

honestly i would start completely over but keeping her feelings and her direction in mind i tried to correct minimally but still, if this was my application i would erase and start over.

oh god even the edited version is still almost embarrassing. after the first few corrections she told me that this college is like high school and would even accept a “handwritten answer” (which I have never heard of…)  so based on that, she thinks her answer is going to look really good. in my opinion i think shes far under prepared having only 10 days to study for the test to get accepted into the class and she panicked and produced a half assed version of a please-let-me-into-your-class letter. i think her inspiration should focus more on what she will be able to do for a medical team than “all sorts of jobs will open up because new injuries are discovered on a daily basis and plethora abundance nurses are needed all over the united states cheerfully.”
 
–or, then again, maybe im rude and hers is fine and a professor will look at her and say “you need to be a nurse welcome aboard”.
 
i mean the literal job description of LPN is to “assess, plan, implement, and evaluate care for clients under their jurisdiction.” Per Google.
{prepare for rambling}
i think it would be a good idea to have those duties in mind while applying to classes that will prepare you for a life long career. I mean.. one very basic and guaranteed tip for a perfect resume is [pretending] to know what youre talking about, lol right?i feel like I would briefly mention my background in like, assisting others, as a general description of my experience (if any) in a so called “medical environment” for example when I interviewed for my position as a plasma center technician I mentioned how I was familiar with sanitary environment/safety procedures/health code requirements, relating to the water plant working with chemicals and community health, and the university relating to germs and spread of disease, and both relating to safety and sanitation and the certifications I received for silly things like PPE (personal protective equipment) MSDS (materials safety data sheets) like those things are mad important in the workplace especially a sanitary one like a hospital. {skip to next paragraph to avoid extra rambling} I once babysat three kids at one time for ten bucks and a popsicle = Responsibly manages small groups of people. boom now youre a manager. or like, I cleaned toilets as a janitor and a university = Background in safety and sanitation. oh don’t forget that scissor lift training you went to that one time for like 13 minutes. that time you wore goggles/gloves/boots at work.. did someone say, Certified in MSDS and PPE, CPR for that one time u watched a 5 min video to be allowed to watch that weirdo’s kids ??oh you were president of book club 45 years ago? you made cupcakes for class president election in 5th grade? Member AT LARGE, Associated Student Government.
 
 
cmon folks this is easy stuff. and ok ok ok I know what youre thinking “but the question only says what makes u wanna be lpn” right yes I know I am just saying. and since I have a totally different idea of how this answer should work I think ill do us all a favor and write the response I would submit. SIDE NOTE*remind me tomorrow cuz im wooped bout to fall asleep.)
 
SIMPLY stating “my background in safety and sanitation has shown me the importance of practical medicine and how necessary it is to assist in the health and well being of others”.. boom three topics covered. 1.brief background mention, 2.little inspiration 3.desire to help others. bam. and how easy was that right. I didn’t need to know shit about medical field to write that statement and it looks hella nice and well put. didn’t try too hard just stated the fact. no bells no whistles. they don’t care about that.
also not to be a bus driver but did she have to bring up her appendicitis. did she go there. not to sound brash but 1. desperate and 2. inappropriate. I think any try at a sob story is a bad idea here.
also I think the focus should be a little less on the cheeriness of nurses and more on the confidence that she can evaluate and asses to her best ability. yes I appreciate a smiley nurse but at the end of the day this person needs to know whats up. again, I see that this approach can also be irrelevant to the “answer” to this question.
Personally, it was difficult for me to just “edit” this very rough draft. I don’t know why this continued after the first sentence. but of course, shes my sissy and I think she actually felt good about it and I think I hurt her feelings by wanting to change so much of it. that’s why I came to this little gem of a website to vent a little and get it off my mind in a place where she could never see it or get hurt feelings. so hello here I am brand new here. feel free to reply maybe some feedback will help approach it differently tomorrow. or maybe I am wrong and what she wrote is great. anyways. heres her lightly edited masterpiece.
 

Many people would define a nurse as someone who treats patients that are sick or injured, but they provide much more than medical treatments; nurses are also there for the emotional support and care of their patients’ needs. What I imagine in my future is a career where I can help people and bring a little bit of happiness into their day. Furthering my education in the Practical Nursing program at **** excites me because not only will I be opening doors for my future, I will also be able to make a difference in people’s lives.

            Hospitals and doctor’s offices can be intimidating for many reasons, but having a helpful and cheerful nurse can make a positive impact on the experience as a whole. When first entering a medical facility, people are greeted by a nurse. Throughout the stay they will be visited by nurses, and finally they check out with a nurse. At many facilities the nurses are considered the true face of patients’ experience by bringing a little clarity and comfort to their day. They are available for medical advice to the doctor as well as the patients. During my stay at Hartford Hospital, the nursing team expanded my appreciation for the caring nature in the medical field. This has inspired me to also make a difference in the lives of others no matter which health facility team I join.

            By obtaining a higher education in the medical field, I’ll have the opportunity to further satisfy my community’s need for nurses. With new illnesses and injuries being presented every day, nurses are always going to be needed in abundance in all medical facilities. Doctors’ offices, specialty facilities, emergency hospitals and much more are in demand of nurses with all levels of education. By furthering my experience, I’ll have the tools needed to offer quality services to those in need. Furthering my education in the Practical Nursing program and procuring a license will allow me to find a position that best challenges and expands my knowledge.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. once stated, “A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” Learning and experiencing new studies is important in the development of my mind. I yearn to be taught new concepts and learn information in a field in which I am passionate for. Furthering one’s education brings a sense of new purpose and meaning to their life, making them feel important and useful to their community. Not only can one be taught in a classroom setting, but after graduation in a career setting there is much to be learned daily. Becoming a Licensed Practical Nurse gives me a sense of significance and value to the medical field.

By participating in the Practical Nursing program at*** I will be able make a difference in other people’s lives by expanding my education in a plentiful career. Nurses help ease nervousness about medical practices, acquire more knowledge daily, and have a wide range of career opportunities. I strive to exceed the expectations of a well-practiced member of the medical field by applying my knowledge and experience to those in need.

 
 
like I said, don’t judge my missed commas or whatever cuz this aint the real version!
ps ill present my own version, whenever I want. stay tuned -winkface
 

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