My heartache has turned to anger. I feel like a fool. I beat myself up constantly with the self-torturing thoughts of regret and disgust. You would think I would know better at my age. I’ve always been very skeptical of people and I am notorious for having trust issues. Then came him. Charming and aggressive like a sweet-talking devil coming to claim me and take me away from the missing voids of my life. He came on strong and swept me off my feet with the biggest broom I’d ever seen and made me want him with every ounce of my body. He made be believe that he needed me and I needed him. He molded himself into the man of my dreams and constructed an elaborate fantasy life for the two of us and I, naive, lost, vulnerable, and weak, gave in to his plan, like the next one on his hitlist. Blinded so badly by lust, I stepped out of reality and into his arms like a wild fire burning out of control, knowing and not caring of who I was going to hurt. This is the hell that having an affair has in store for you and consumes your life to the fullest. In the end, you only end up hurting yourself, tearing families apart, tearing your heart apart, and living with the regret of it all. It’s never worth it, no matter how much you think you love your affair partner…just let them go. My AP made the decision for us both and walked away with another woman. A woman who was another vulnerable target. She was closer in the vicinity and easy for him to settle with. He knew he could never live up to the lies he had conjured up. He used every poetic line and every romantic move to manipulate me into a weak and desperate woman lusting after him and giving into his every whim. He felt the heat and ran away because he soon realized how torn I was and how badly it was tearing me apart. I should thank him, but for months I felt like I was weaning myself from an addiction that had taken over my body and soul. I loved him passionately and I was willing to give up everything for him, but now, I’m so grateful he gave up, because why would I want a man who is not willing to fight for me? The right choice was made and life has never been better, bridges have burned, and life lessons have been burned into my skin like a scarlet A. The betrayal you forget that you infringe upon other people comes back to you twice as hard.
Lifewife is what he called me. My affair almost cost me my marriage, my self respect, and my sanity. This is my outlet to closure because I never received one. This is my journal to recovery and the steps to forgiving myself. Never judge a person before you've walked a mile in their shoes. Love doesn't choose when the time is right or when circumstances are perfect. It can come when you least expect it and it can break you in second.