Who am I?

I’ve recently made some changes. There are the ones that remain on my Facebook because they are simply nosy. Whatever they can read on there that would be considered personal becomes topic of discussion with their friends. Strangely enough not much of a deviation from their normal MO. Still, I have considered giving them less to work with.

 

Losing Matoko has been a great sadness. She is missed, not just by me but by the other 2 as well. I can tell that they do miss her. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. Made worse that I got no real time to mourn her. Work saw to that. While working took my mind off of things for a time, when I had to start putting her things away, I cried each time. It broke my heart each time to put something else away or realize that there are only 2 here. Even now I feel it welling up. I could talk to one person about it, but I feel like I’ve burdened her enough. Anyone else is much the same so I quietly cry here in the house and mourn.

 

I’ve come to realize that my isolated life is becoming more and more the way things are. I still catch myself thinking I’ll never be good enough for anyone. More so, the more I read about narcissists the more I’m beginning to think that is all that’s left out there. I start thinking of all the things the Lion had said to me and find myself between are they truth? Or just him trying to convince me that it is? After some time of not talking B finally actually spoke to me. Even called. I was mildly surprised. He’s another one that brings those things to light. I end up feeling like some back up plan that is there when it’s needed. As my brother reminded me not long ago, that will always be a one-way street. I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things with him, except when he feels that I do. He invited me down for an event, and when I told friends of this, they all said the same thing. Unless he comes to see me, don’t go rushing down there to see him. Either it’s a two-way street or it isn’t. So, I guess I’ll always just be an option.

 

This of course doesn’t help me much. I’ve pretty given up on online dating. That’s just turned out to be a monumental waste of time. Some will talk then ghost and I even have some zombie ghosters. Ones that will ghost for a while, pop back up, then disappear again. Much of it just reminds me more of what the Narc said to me about no one will ever want me. I should be thankful that he did but I ruined it. I’ve tried very hard to break away from that, but sadly the circle keeps walking me back there. I also try very hard not to burden my few friends with all this because they don’t need anything added to what they have going. Least of all my problems that I should be able to solve all on my own.

 

I guess what brought many things into perspective was losing Matoko. I didn’t have anyone that could just hug me and let me cry. I don’t have anyone to come home to and talk about my day. So, I bury more and more and put on the happy face when most days I don’t even seem to do more than go on auto pilot. I’ve tried writing to escape further away and hide everything. At times though I find myself stumped and reaching for something when nothing is there. For years, I’ve always been the one to support myself (and my family), do what has to be done, and make sure that everyone is taken care of. Still when it comes to me, I don’t know what to do. Every time I think I’ve found something that I can do, I can’t do much because there’s bills to pay and things to take care of. I don’t have the money to do things like LARP (a very expensive hobby it would seem), go to school (which I’d like to eventually do), or anything else. I write because it’s pretty much free (or extremely inexpensive) and there are times that I fight with myself that I’m not very good at that either so why do I do it? Most of that came from “friends” that enjoyed convincing me that I wasn’t very good at it to make themselves feel better and to have something to talk to their friends about. (She flakes. She’s paranoid. She isn’t very good. She short posts. Etc.) Of course, they also say the same about their “friends” to other friends.

 

When you hear something enough times, no matter how much you want to fight that it’s not true, that you don’t want to believe it’s true, you eventually come to believe it’s true. My counselor believes that I can break it, but I don’t think it will happen. I’ve tried far too long saying over and over to myself that it’s not true. After 42 years of hearing the same thing over and over, eventually I’m just going to give myself over to it being true. What’s even more sad than that I know full well that most of those same people will be coming around in 3 years and I will know why. Not because they are friends, not because they give a damn about me. There’s one singular reason and honestly those people will get absolutely shit from me. Well they will get one thing, one finger on each hand up.

 

I know that once more I’m caught in a spiral, most of that coming from the winged monkeys that have been non-stop since about February. Add to that B and his antics, then losing Matoko. It’s just not getting any better. So, I’ll go on with the happy mask and hope for the best. I’m sure some friends will read this and wonder what I’m going on about. It’s really hard to put into words honestly. As much as I try, it doesn’t even sound right. I guess I would like to find some understanding to why I should give a damn about myself, because honestly I’m losing sight of it. Every day it’s growing harder and harder. I guess I’m getting used to the lies being the truth and not knowing what the truth is any more. Who the hell am I?

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