It has been several months since I’ve written in here. So much has happened.
I don’t remember where I left off, but I know it was probably about that one guy I was hung up on. I was finally starting to move on by distracting myself with different guys and hoeing around. I was never physically a hoe, I never threw my body out there, but I liked the attention I could get from them. I never got out of the talking stage with those boys, just because I was never down for a relationship. The idea of a relationship was stupid to me. I always thought relationships were stupid in high school because you have your whole life ahead of you to settle down and be in a relationship. Although, I had never experienced love and I thought you could control when and who you fell in love with. But I was certainly wrong.
I started talking to a boy in late October. I didn’t really think much of it, I just thought we would be talking for a few weeks and then drift away. I started really liking this guy. He was unlike any of the others I had been attracted to. All my past “hoes” were guys who were no good for me. They only wanted sex and pleasure. They didn’t care about relationships or anything other than themselves. I was still getting over that one boy, Hunter. With this new boy I was talking to, I started rapidly falling for him. This was normal to me because I have always been boy crazy and seem to fall fast for them. He started falling for me, too, and that excited me. After a month of “talking”, we started dating on November 23rd. I knew I was in love with him, but I never told anyone, since we were only talking for a month. I had liked this boy in 8th grade, since we had a class together. We’ve now been dating for almost 5 months, and I am still bewildered at the fact that I have been able to hold a relationship for this long. I used to shame and make fun of people for taking high school relationships so seriously, but I am now one of those people. I am so in love with this boy and it scares me. He is my whole world, my whole life, and I’m afraid that if I lose him, I will lose myself as well. Nothing in my life has ever stayed with me, and this is the one thing I need to stay with me.
I have never felt so intensely for anyone or anything. I have never felt joy the way he brings me joy. I have never felt pleasure the way he brings me pleasure. I have never felt love the way he brings me love. This boy is my whole entire life and I’m only almost 16. Maybe I sound crazy–maybe I am crazy–but I would do anything for this boy. It astonishes me how quickly I fell, being someone who made fun of people who fell too fast. But you can’t control it. So much can happen in such a small amount of time. I got so lost in him and the attention that I started to fall more and more and now I’m so far in and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come out. I don’t ever want to experience life without him again. He has impacted my life so much in the small amount of time that he’s been in it. I don’t think I’ll ever be myself if he ever leaves. I can see myself with him forever. I can see myself having a family with him. I can see myself growing old with him. I can see a future with him. He has so much control over me that it’s dangerous.
I turn 16 tomorrow. I’m kind of excited, but I’ve never really seen my birthday as a big deal. The only thing I want is to spend more time with him. God, I’m so in love with him.
Song of the entry: Opera House – Cigarettes After Sex