My favorite color is red

My favorite color is red

I lay in this tub thinking about how beautiful red is.

The feeling of red is intoxicating.

The smell of red is familiar

Red symbolizes anger ,violence , danger ; words I can identify with too well.

I lay in this tub thinking about how beautiful red is

My mind has never been mine to control

It takes me down corridors which I have no map

It creates torment that has no end

It will also give me solutions , Sadley that only make me trapped

I lay in this tub thinking about how beautiful red is

The first time I had seen red for what it truly is , I was 5 .

It was the first time I was held down and my innocence was taken.

The only proof was the red dripping down my inner thigh .

I lay in this tub thinking about how beautiful red is

Seeing red as a teenager was predictable, especially on my skin .

What wasn’t predictable me with a box of razor blades.

No one imagines that the happy girls favorite color was red , trickling through skin at night , when she was alone

I lay in this tub thinking about how beautiful red is

Boys will be boys they say , so when he tried to kill me on our first date, I pardoned his actions .

His knife was nothing compared to what mine did that night.

The only proof this time was my manic mind , and the court dismissed that .

I lay in this tub thinking about how beautiful red is

Red was the color of my Brothers truck . The same truck he overdosed in .

He rotted so quickly in that drivers seat, that he was never was seen by family again .

No note was left , only his remains soaked in a car seat.

I lay in this tub thinking about how beautiful red is

My best friend Jacob had once understood and loved me .

he took a gun to his head and painted his walls with his own shade of red .

A note was left this time , a mother’s hatred and beliefs had pushed him to see that bullet.

I lay in this now cold tub to think about how beautiful red is.

My box of razor blades are my true friends and will be with me until the very end .

I try to close my eyes but forever hear the sound of red water pouring on the bathroom ground .

Thats when I realized, how ugly the color red was.

One thought on “My favorite color is red”

  1. Dearest Stephi-Land, please don’t cut yourself anymore. I understand—I used to do it too. I used one-edge razor blades and sometimes I cut deep. I carved my thigh. Please don’t do it again. God told me that it hurts Him when we self-abuse like that, especially cutting. After He told me, I never did it again. I used writing to express my pain. Anything but cutting. God loves you and hates to see you hurt by anyone, especially yourself. He cares. I promise.

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