My hero

Dear J,

I had a dream about you last night. At least I think it was you. I can’t tell the difference between actually you and my subconscious making it up. I feel like I would know if it was actually you. Anyways I just wanted to talk to you before we leave for Calistoga. I just miss you so much. I feel like half the time I’m drowning in emotions and the other half I’m just numb. Like whenever I tell someone you’re dead it doesn’t hit me but when I’m trying to sleep and wearing your shirt it does. Your cologne doesn’t really smell like you either. I just don’t really know what to do. Honestly its just weird. I feel like I’m feeling every possible emotion at once and it just makes you numb. I’m mad at that lady for killing you, I’m sad you’re gone, I’m happy I got to call you my brother, and I’m terrified at the thought of anything that comes next, whether death or school.  I just wish you were here. I know right now I’d be hugging you and saying good morning and giving you crap about your hair. I can remember every time I went in at night and told you I loved you.  Looking back on a lot of things I do, I got them from you. Like when I was younger, I probably started the hating crying thing from you. I wanted to be as strong as you were, and I wanted you to think I was strong too.  I started crying last night, wearing your shirt. It’s just weird to think that at some point, you wore that shirt and it makes me feel closer to you but reminds me of how far apart we actually are. I miss looking up to you, literally. You were my hero for a while and it scares me that someone as strong as you can be gone. I remember being so happy the first time you called me your little sister in front of your friends. Like it made me cool just by knowing you. I feel like you’re still here but I know you’re not. You’re probably thinking its creepy that I’m getting your ashes in a necklace but you aren’t here so I’m getting that necklace. Its one of the only things I have that I can remember you by. Your cologne and shirts don’t really smell like you that much anymore. And Alyssa has your necklace. Well anyways just know you’re always in my heart J. I love you with all of my heart J.

Love your sis who worshipped you, Ash

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