Nothing helps

Hey Hey Hey,

I find myself ending these one way conversations and wanting to keep typing. Like if I keep typing you will respond or have something to say. Maybe you’ll come to me in a dream or maybe I’m just crazy. Either way I don’t care. I would rather have a one way crazy person conversation than no conversation at all. I’m worried I’ll forget about you. I’m worried you will become a distant memory. I don’t want you to be distant… I want to remember you always as if I just saw you yesterday. Your smile, big muscles, 6′ 4″ build, blonde hair, blue eyes with yellow in the middle, big hands, your lying face, your side smile smirks when you try not to laugh at something but can’t help it, when you said “oh my gosh Becky look at her butt” okay no you didn’t used to say that you said “Oh my gooosh” in a jokingly funny way or “Ewww” when you looked at my outfit. I put that in my speech at the memorial, that you said that to me. you said that whenever I snapchatted you and that I look more and more like mom every time you see me. I’m ok with that but maybe here and there I will try a little bit harder to have better style for you. The memorial was so hard J. It made everything so real. Micaela, Lily, Ash, and I spoke. Then again you probably already know that. Do you know all of the things I write already? Or do you even read these things? Probably not but I like to think you do. You never were much into reading so I don’t blame you. Seeing people that I hadn’t seen in years and years just to come up to me and give me a hug was so weird and felt wrong. It felt self serving. Like they were trying to make themselves feel better by saying sorry. It doesn’t help me. Nothings helps J. Nothing helps. People say it gets easier but it isn’t, it isn’t getting easier. It’s only been 2 weeks and 3 days so maybe that’s why but it just doesn’t get easier. I see your face like you’re still here with me. Maybe you are… still with me that is… but not in the way that it should be. Not in the way that we would like. Has life always been this fucked up and I was blind to it? Or does everything just seem fucked up now that your gone?

Sometimes it’s nice having a one sided conversation cause I’m always right but then it doesn’t work cause I can still here your voice in my head saying what you would’ve said if you were here next to me. I hope you are enjoying being a know it all sexy angel. Anyways enough of this weird stuff. Maybe I’ll talk to you later, maybe tomorrow.. definitely tomorrow.

TA TA BROTHA sincerely,

ME

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