Hot dogs and heart flames

Let’s be honest, time was always our problem, was always going to be our undoing.  When you start out in a love like ours, meet in the industry we were in, time is the defining factor.  The restaurant business is a fickle beast, she allows you to burn so hot in love that you melt in the flames ignited from your own coals.  I remember the first time i saw you like a snapshot in time, I looked through that glass and wood panel, past the steam table and the ever flamboyent nick gazetos and I saw you… I caught your eye for a second just a glance through your wire rim glasses and you smiled at me.  The corner of your mouth came up in the most beautiful way ive ever seen anything move.  I think you never left my mind after that moment.  My heart had never beaten so fast in my life i had never felt so exhilirated so alive, so beautiful and tempted.  the first time we met i was so nervous im sure my hands were more sweaty than the tip of your brow ever got working over that hot grill. I was different then, quiet, polite, afraid and naive.  I never questioned anyone or anything really, i had only been controlled in life up to that point, molded like hot wax into the shape of whomever held the lighter just to melt me down then harden back into the shape of their desire.  You were so kind, so beautiful, so powerful and safe.  i was always watching you, intrigued by the intricacies of your moods, the way your hands moved with a knife in them, the way they felt when they brushed against mine. I craved your attention, your gaze, your smile and your company. washing dished with you that first week was the happiest I had ever felt in my entire life, the most accepted, the most interesting.  You had planted a seed…it grew faster than any seed nature could nourish and I knew I was falling faster and harder than an acorn from a tree.  We worked together a while, stealing gazes, telling stories, making each others faces light up in a way I knew mine never had and never would again unless it was at your  hands. One night you came to me, you were more honest than anyone ever had been, you questioned me what the hell was I doing with such an unloving undeserving, and downright awful person.  You saved me from a life of pain and misfortune.  You owed me nothing, I was no one to you and yet…I was in love with you, I had found the other half to my soul. Time reared its ugly head again and took you from me as swiftly as you had came.  I was devastated theflame in my heart grew cold like the ashes in a long burnt out fire…I waited, waited not knowing what to do without your uplifting words, your smile, your heart.  Then you came home and i was elated.  I was so nervous the first time we were together i had never felt so terrified because i knew if i lost you again it would be the end of me.  We had so many heated, attraction driven moments those first few weeks and of course time had to blow out my flame again. 1 week, turned into 2 and 2 turned into 4 and all of a sudden i hadnt heard from you in over two months, more alone than ever and my confidence stripped i was in an awful place.  The morning you texted me I was so suprised and couldnt wait to hear your heart beat again.  Every moment with you lit me aflame and made me alive, made me brave, made me strong and most of all gave me the love i had always craved but never got from anyone.  we were together constantly work and home it didnt matter I was always happywith you, finally content with my life and strong enough to not be controlled by anyone anymore.  I feltwonderful you were the sun and I was the clouds ever seeking to soak in your light.  We had our first son, we were so in love with him I could see all the pain he healed forboth of us.  All the dark places illuminated that light had yet to reach.  It also brought this loneliness to us both, you missing my undivided attention and me craving your time.  Nightime was so isolating for me, being up with him without you.  It was the first time i hadnt worke, I couldnt visit you like i had, and you were busy and we started to drift apart like two sailboats with broken masts.  I didnt see it then but I do now , looking back.. We were still happpy but not as close as we had been then something happened we both never saw coming, we wanted another child, I was terrified of what that meant for jackson, what it meant for us, what our future held and stillthe waves of that cold dark oceans pushed us further and further out to sea.  The first time I held beckham i knew our family was complete, yet for both of us something was missing, the flame burned down now to hot coals, growing ever cold in the hulls of those broken ships.  Time thought shed had enough of us anddecided to take the next 50 years from us in the blink of an eye.  One strong wave and we both overturned drowning in our own misery too dark to see the light we had so long had for each other, the flame wee stoked nurtured for 5 years.  You saw nothing left, you found land in the deep abyss and nothing in you cared to venture back into that cold darkwater to save me from drowning. I dont blame you completely we both were lost struggling and not knowing how to save ourselves or each other and time had enough of us and she decided we were to have her no more.  I would sacrifice anything and everything to build what came to us so easily the first time, that great big fire that saved our souls and gave us our children.  I would give anything to get back into times good graces and beg her for those 50 yearrs I had my heart and soul invested into, but Im afraid you cannot give anything more than you already have, after all in your business time is a precious commodity and unfortunately its something we never get back.

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