You ever feel….

Dear J,

You ever get that feeling when you just want to curl up into a ball and just lie there and not move for days. I feel that right now. Like I couldn’t physically make myself move. I cannot go back to school and face everyone and go back to mom’s and have the argument about homeschool. I feel so depressed like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Do you ever sit in the car and stare at nothing and you look like you’re calm when inside you feel so panicked you’re gonna explode. I feel that right now too. Nothing really brings joy to me now. I wish that – I don’t know J. I don’t know what I want.  You ever feel like nothing you wish for is reasonable. I wish mom would let me homeschool. I wish you were still alive and healthy and with me. I wish I never had to have mom tell me you’d been in an accident and they didn’t think you would make it. I wish everyone would stop being fake. I wish that I could have been with you in the accident and died too. I’m not suicidal I just wish you weren’t alone and I could be with you. I wish people actually cared when they said they were here for me. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have this all be a really bad long dream. I wish I could just be in the Bay Area with Alyssa, Cody, Kim, and Logan. I wish I could know where you were and if you were still with me or not. I wish I didn’t ever have to deal with reality anymore. Nothing ever makes me happy anymore. I feel like someone up there is playing a joke on me. I swear anywhere I turn there you are. Basketball courts, water polo teams, the one ice cream place we go to is the one I remember going to with you, I see your face in strangers and it makes me miserable when I think I see you. I just want to wear your clothes and never change. I want to hug you and tell you I loved you and just be with you again. I just feel so sick and miserable with the world. I miss you. God, I miss you so much. I want my big brother back. I would do anything to have you back. Anything J. I feel sick and broken. I just wish you were here. I love you so much and you shouldn’t be dead. You should never have died and I just can’t J. I can’t. 

Love your sis who wishes a lot, Ash

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