2018 – a fucking catastrophe

2018 has taken a fucking big toll on me.

I just want to get this year over with already. It’s just like a disastrous and long nightmare in my life which I can’t wake up from and just endure (that makes no sense whatsoever but fuck it). The amount of angst and sadness inside of me is crazy. I’m not depressed, I guess I’m just sad all the fucking time. I don’t know why I’m cursing so much, but I’m too furious to give a fuck about it. This year was supposed to be the golden time for me. You know, 18 years and finishing school and all, but it sucks. I got mediocre marks in my board exams like that shit was a fucking blow to my stomach. I didn’t fail or anything I got a fucking 78% but that’s not brag worthy, it’s just there. And It didn’t go too well with my competitive exam as well. I cleared it, but I didn’t get the best. So I decided to take a gap year instead of attending any mediocre college so I can write it again. And let me tell you, gap years are not for the faint hearted so I just have to stop being a fucking pussy and study hard. 

I got s much shit from my family , not my dad but everyone but him. You see, gap years are fucking unconventional and so it’s better to just enroll yourself in a fucking college than get the best. It’s a fucking mindfuck just listening to all my friends go to college. I just cry and cry and cry. I’m such a fucking mess. 

I also don’t have friends. Like I have so many people I know but none of them are my best friends. So I’m alone all the fucking time. There’s social media, but it’s not reality. Both my parents are lawyers and I’m on the path of becoming one too and sometimes I wonder if they are my parents at all. They’re loud, social and are not fucking insecure to leave the fucking house like I am. Too bad they’re stuck with me. Sometimes I wonder if they wish they had another kid but bitch the fuck not.

For the first time in my entire motherfucking life I thought about dying but the next day I’m like what the fuck was wrong with me. I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. Sometimes I want to try it, but then I remember I have no friends. It’s just that I’m way too self conscious and have social anxiety. But people misunderstand that an think I’m way too good for them and have high standards. Like bitch, you don’t even know me and I’m not going to spend my brain cells explaining stuff to your irrelevant ass.

I cry all the fucking time. I don’t know if its the fucking hormones or if I’m just born like that. I just feel like I want to run away somewhere far away sometimes.Sometimes, I just feel like running away to Los Angeles and becoming rich. Sometimes I want to fucking stab someone in the eye. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever. I’m a fucking mess honestly. Fuck.

 

 

2 thoughts on “2018 – a fucking catastrophe”

  1. So, we’re complete strangers. Which means you can totally ignore my opinion here..especially since I don’t know your backstory. It’s just that you sound like a kick-ass person, who just needs to pat themself on the back a bit more. I think you’re doing fantastic. It sounds like you put a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself, and aren’t applauding yourself enough. The things you listed as negatives- social anxiety, not having a best friend, and that you’re ” way too self conscious”…..you’re young yet, those things will remedy themselves in time. In time you’ll learn to love yourself, and the self consciousness will fade away. As that fades, you’re confidence will outgrow your social anxiety, and you’ll make more friends and no doubt, one worth calling “best”.Whoever decided that your age group is supposed to be the “golden time” is full of shit. Its rough, and you’re doing great.

  2. @TooManyTabsOpen Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m literally cringing about what I wrote yesterday. It’s just that I was too angry and needed to vent out, but I really appreciate you taking some time out of your life to reply <3

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