How can I be so lost? I can’t even see my way out? Or even see clearly what I need to get out of. How much of it do I need to get out of? My heart is breaking so much. Why do my dreams have to be such fantasies?? It shouldn’t be that way. I should be able to go and fill my cup when I need to. And get a regular does of it. Be able to go camping!! Go to the river. Go hiking. Take a drive farther to another outdoor spot. Why am I condemned for wanting it so bad. And when I tried to explain why I couldn’t see a future anymore. I’ve always known the future I’ve wanted. A home built in land out of the city but close enough to enough to enjoy what the city has to offer. Raise my children outside having more influence from nature than television and the craziness of today’s society. Instill in them survival skills they might need in our lifetime. Teach them to open their eyes and look a little wider at the world. Get away from being another ant. In the busy hill. I truly believe I would be so much happier that way. A better balance of self being able to have a home closer to the Forrest. Deeper in nature. Not in tiny boxes piled on top of each other just living the rat race life style. fuck. It’s so pressing. I need to get out there as much as possible. Fill my tank and give me strength. I need it. Can’t he see that?? I know he does.