I have recently just removed Facebook from my phone. It has just been a reminder that I still do not really fit in with any particular group of people. I have similar beliefs and similar interests with many others but for some reason I just never seem to be one of those people that others are interested in inviting along to events or activities. I know I can be a bitch.. but I also do not know of anyone that doesn’t have their day as well. ETC. It is so hard to make friends at my age. I turned 48 in January and I really have no one that I can call a best friend or confidant. There really is not one person in my life that I can call in the middle of the night if I need to talk or even if my car breaks down and I need a ride. I have my boyfriend.. but he never answers his phone. And besides that.. if it is after 8pm he will have had too much to drink to leave the house anyway.. Nice right?!
Ugh it would be so nice to have someone to talk to.. hell that is why I started this journal… I can’t talk to anyone. My boy friend is the closest thing I have to a best friend.. and we are great together.. except we live like we are buddies and not in any kind of relationship. He wants me around nights, but he thinks we need to sit on the porch and drink all night. I don’t mind doing this now and then. But, EVERY day!! Seriously?!?! Why can’t we have some kind of life like normal people… you know.. come home from work chat.. do things that need to be done around the house… eat dinner at a table like adults. Clean up from dinner and relax in the living room for a drink or two and some TV and then to bed.. together in the same bed.. made actually touch each other now and then. Sadly, in his eyes this is not life. Life is ….working all day and then driving to the first store to get beer and cigarettes. Driving home taking care of his lunch box and then spending the next 4 to 5 hours sitting in the same chair and drinking until the beer is gone and staring at the front yard. Maybe listening to a little music…. and the only way I will have conversation with him is if I go out and sit with him. He will not change anything about how he lives his life…. not for me at least.
Ok enough for today.. I am clearly having a bad day.. and of course everything in my life is bothering my today. I am unhappy and I have gone directly back to eating my feelings away…. and of course making myself fatter by the minute…..