Why Don’t You Move Out?

I’m kind of tired of telling people about my home life and the automatic response is why don’t you move out?

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I just wanna scream because I AM TRYING!

I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD STUDENT!

I AM TRYING TO EARN MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!

I AM TRYING TO EARN THIS FUCKING DEGREE SO I CAN MOVE ON AND MOVE OUT.

I AM TRYING TO DO THE THINGS THAT THEY DIDN’T HAVE THE CHANCE TO.

I AM TRYING.

And no one sees that. Every day I wake, contemplate life, roll over and stand on my feet. I grab my bath towel, toothbrush, toothpaste, tongue cleaner, and edge control and head to the bathroom. I plop on the toilet and pee. My depression sets in. I rush to shower, dress, do my hair, eat breakfast, and make lunch. Then I dash out of the house to the bus for an hour and a half commute to school.

After class, I march to work with pride and a feeling of certainty that I got this! After work, it’s crunch time for homework. I sit in the lab, read, type, recite, repeat until it’s dark out. Outside of the building, my phone buzzes. It’s someone, asking for something again… What is it now? Milk? Diapers? Money? Whatever they want, I ain’t got it. I commute home, warm something to eat, and then sleep for about five hours. Wake & do it all over again.

I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I don’t know any other way to say it plainly. I am tired of this shit we call life. No, I don’t wanna die–that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I want things to be better. I want to be able to live in a space where I don’t have to hide my toiletries and snacks. I want to be able to only take care of myself. I am not a single mother, or a mother for that fact, so why do I feel like one?

Why don’t you move out and make it happen for yourself?

Let’s examine things. I go to school to earn a degree, not just any degree, my BSN. Nursing isn’t easy and school alone requires a ton of attention, energy and focus. I work because I have to support myself. I am a woman, I need more hygiene products than what’s expected. I need food to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day out of the week. I need to pay my phone bill because I need to be able to communicate with others and keep up with school work and announcements. I only earn enough to do these things, nothing more. Translation, I CAN’T afford an apartment. Well, maybe you can get a better job. My commitment is to my education, not current job status.

One thought on “Why Don’t You Move Out?”

  1. It’s all a process. You’re right, some things are higher up the list than moving out. Go through it a step at a time, make smart choices.
    One day you’ll be in a much better place, and not tired all the time.
    You are strong.

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