Tonight I choose to wallow.

So, I didn’t go to the doctor like I said I would. And now, am I gonna find the courage to try to go again? Why didn’t I go ? Well one the reasons is I stayed up to 4am working on a research paper I basically had to restart because of a resource mess up..

Somethings going on with me, and I’ve said something to my loved ones and they don’t follow up with a “uh hey you go to that appointment?” No one asks the strong one how they are doing. They always keep high expectations. I’ll get through it for sure. But this feeling is suffocating. Its like tiny little needles poking into my heart , and I don’t know why. I feel so heavy, dragging my feet . But I must be a good actor because why don’t people ever try to pry into my mind or maybe give me the little push from time to time? I guess they’re trying to respect my space. They know I’m not one to get all emotional. But this is a pain that is relentless and it’s unpredictable. 

It’s like this calm and collected outside is a cage holding a screaming me on the inside. Sometimes I try to find the words to say but nothing comes out. 

I really wish I had a true friend to connect with. The one who I used to have, is barely one anymore, though I’ve tried to put so much effort in repairing it. I wish I wasn’t so awkward. I feel so out of place, like I don’t fit in. That’s how it’s been most my life. 

I’m craving an outside connection that doesn’t come from love and family, a friend I don’t have to work so hard to “not be boring” with. Who understands me. Who’s comfortable. Who feels like a breath of fresh air. I’ve been begging this for awhile but I have yet to have this come along. But I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t know how to start up conversations. I don’t know how to “click” with someone.  

God, I need a true friend. 

Usually I end my journals with a bit of “hope” or a positive, but tonight I think I’m gonna wallow. I think I’m just gonna leave it how it is. Cause not everything ends with hope, sometimes you just get knocked straight on your ass.  

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