Pain

Things are even worse than when I wrote here last. Still alive though, but for how much longer? The arguments between my parents got a hell of a lot worse after I last wrote here…I woke up to loads of banging and arguing…my dad was trying to provoke my mum into hitting him and she ended up pushing him. He forced his way into the bathroom and my mum was putting up a fight to keep him out. He bashed open the door so hard it whacked against the bath and the whole side panel of the bath broke and was hanging open. Later my mum managed to push the panel back into place but looking at it you can tell it’s been broken.

My mum has still been trying to sort out that incident of the man who was supposed to do our wills running off with her money and her and my dad got into another nasty argument when he overheard her crying to me saying that he no longer cared about her and that she was alone with no help to sort out the wills. The argument was real bad, they were both so awful to each other. My mum threw her car keys at the wall and desperately began trying to clobber my dad with her handbag. Then she left after the whole ‘do you want a divorce? No do YOU want a divorce’ argument and came back a few hours later. Because my dad has been suffering kidney problems he is not taking all his medications properly as they seem to be the cause of his deteriorating physical health…so since one of the things they argued about was over the damn shower, he went into a sort of mania trying to install something to the pipes that would give us a water pressure reading and I had to stand there with a torch shining it onto what he was doing. I was cleaning up the mess he left behind in his wake and fetching tools to him and pretending like I was really interested in what he was trying to do to our water system and not thinking of jumping off the bridge outside onto to the A470.

That night my mum kept asking if she could sleep in my bed with me as she was very frightened of my dad. He’s very mentally unstable at the moment more so because he has stopped taking his medication correctly but he wouldn’t hurt us. So I told mum she’d be fine…she stayed downstairs till after midnight but eventually slept in their bed. Since that incident things have thankfully calmed down but only in the sense that the intense arguments have stopped. I can tell though that my mum is thoroughly miserable and can’t stand my dad. I could talk to her and she wouldn’t even notice I’ve spoken, she’s completely switched off from my dad to the point she barely talks to me either.

Then a couple of days ago my older sister (she’s 34) rang me to say she was three months pregnant and I feel so bad that I’m not happy about it. Harry doesn’t even have a gravestone and now I have to pretend like everything is all ok and help out with a new baby that Harry should be here to be able to meet. I hate to admit it but this news has proper messed me up and I hate myself over it and I just want to die even more. Everyone is being nice to me about it saying it was normal to not be happy about this but I can’t take much more of this. Why can’t Harry still be here for this? Because I didn’t get the help he needed that night, I knew something was wrong and I still didn’t say anything or do anything. I fucked things up for him and myself and I just can’t do this anymore.

I’m going to spend one last Christmas with my family in Mexico then in January I’m outta here. I can’t stand life moving on around me and I’m still stuck in my grief that was all my fault. In the psychology group this morning I just cried in front of everyone. My CPN came to visit me earlier and said I looked exhausted. I’m drinking alcohol right now and I never drink. I can’t believe any of this is happening.

2 thoughts on “Pain”

  1. I am so sorry about your pain : ( Things have been so difficult for you and I know there is no changing that, or any way to alleviate that, but please. Please. You are a human being that has inherent worth and deserves to be loved, and, in fact, HAS the love of all of us here. Please don’t blame yourself for Harry’s death; you gave him so much love and he knows and feels it still. As always, I send much love your way.

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