Alone

1920

 

Dear Diary,

When I was a little girl, my father always told me that the reason for living was to get ready to stay dead a long time. I am not fully sure what he meant by this, but I don’t believe that he knew either. I don’t know who I am or what my purpose is; I can’t seem to find it. I remember before I married Anse, I worked as a school teacher. It was awful. I tried to make my presence known among the children and develop my identity. I would whip them and leave a permanent mark on their skin that would show who I was. I would impose myself upon them, without opening myself up to them. I wanted them to be aware of me but still remain private from them. I still didn’t feel I had an identity. So I married Anse. I have been married to Anse some years now, but for some time I still felt alone. So I had Cash. And Cash violated my aloneness but then I was just Cash’s mother. He gave me company but took away my chance to create a real identity or self. This was the problem that I had. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be involved. But I wanted to remain independent. I couldn’t find a way to be both.  And I couldn’t express my feelings. Words are no good. They have no meaning. They can’t fully represent what I am trying to say. Then I had Darl. And I found a way to leave my presence after I was gone. To have one final mark. So I asked Anse to take me to Jefferson to be buried with my people after I died. This was my revenge, but he did not know it. This journey will give my life purpose. And then I broke away from the confines of marriage. I was able to be someone other than Ms. Bundren for some moments. And Jewel was the result. I never told Anse but I did not deceive him. After Jewel, I was able to clean my house and get ready for death. My purpose in life was complete. So I gave Anse Dewey Dell and Vardaman. They are his children but not mine. Now I am on my deathbed. I am still alone but I found salvation through Jewel. My house is clean and I am ready for death.

 

-Addie

 

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