I have a strong belief in dreams, in hopes, in “something better ahead”, in God… and yet I find myself in a position where I contradict myself, where it all seems pointless or useless…
How can I still hope that things will change after 20 years?
How can I ask HIM for something that is written and labeled as sin and rebellious?
I guess… all that’s left is dreaming that there will be something better ahead?
I am a very strong believer of God. I belief in his righteous ways and i admit I have blind faith on him. I know he has better things planned ahead and that even if I am a sick monster for the things I’ve done in my life, I know that when it’s all said and done.. he’s still there for me.
After all, no being in this world is loyal without having something to gain for it’s loyalty. If you can’t trust what you see, trust what you can’t.
For a very long time, I’ve told only him of this that afflicts my existence. He has been my comfort up until now, but even with his comfort I find myself doing wrong against him for being what I am, for feeling how I feel.
And yet, even understanding that the teachings found in churches taught by humans contradicts completely what is stated by God, I went to them. But they didn’t ease my pain
This has caused a huge separation from me and the churches, I no longer participate in their activities. In every word they preach they hurt me, they condemn me… being aware of your wronging doesn’t make it any easier to hear people preach about it.
I’ve ended up in this cave, secluded from society, here in my room and my world, in the world they call “internet” I find comfort. I find myself able to be who and what I am, even if hiding myself, even if still hiding myself. I found that this made my pain a bit more bearable, I could be what society wanted me to be on the outside and here in this world I could be who I truly was… That is.. until I met her… Who would’ve thought I could become more of a monster than I already was…