My life begins

Today I was surprised by her words.

I expected many things from her, she’s brilliant after all, but I never expected this.

Up until now she hadn’t demonstrated any type of affection or attraction to me, she was friendly but nothing more.

But, it seems my thoughts were wrong…

This morning, I woke up and checked my messages, it was something I had grown accustomed to.  Waking up and checking i she had talked to me during the night was something I always looked for in the morning, it made me happy.

But this morning, I was shocked at what I read.

She asked me… if I had feelings for her.

She asked me to answer her truthfully, and I did.

I told her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, how happy she made me.

For the first time in my life, I declared love to someone.  I felt more than happy declaring my love to her, I wasn’t expecting nothing of it, but I felt happy knowing she knew how I felt about her.  She had become my everything, my reason to live, my reason to keep going.

I was in love with her. 

I guess people would think of me as mad for thinking of it this way but, I view us as a fairy tale of some sort.

She is the princess

And I am her frog 

 

She is the beauty

And I am her beast

 

She is the princess

And I am the thief

 

Many people in this world love fairy tales, they make and love stories of them, they make and love making movies of them, they dream of living one.

And yet… they happen all around them and they treat them as sin…

 

Why can’t love be taken as what it is?

Why can’t people ignore gender, roles, social standing, economy? 

Isn’t being happy together and loving each other enough?

People would rather believe in what’s superficial rather than what’s inside of the person, who they truly are… it’s truly a sad fact. 

 

Instead, we’re forced to live under superficiality, under looks, under roles, under molds, under social statuses, under economy. under all this tyranny just because someone decided that it HAD to be this way.

 

We’re forced to live under this because of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of being judged, fear of being cast out  and have your life ruined and yourself shamed under society’s iron fist.  

This… this is how I feel.. how I live.

And even with the person I love so much, her that I love so much, I feel this fear.

No, it’s more than fear.

It’s this constant dread, this constant pain, this constant insecurity… because I know that she will one day judge me with that same iron fist.

A part of me still believes she won’t.  A part of me feels she’ll accept me for who and what I am.

But reality still hits me against the floor and tells me otherwise.

 

Even in all this insecurity, I declared my love to her.

We ended up deciding to give ourselves a chance as a couple.

I broke the promise I made to myself, I couldn’t push myself away from her…

After all, how can you push yourself away from someone who loves you just as much as you love them.

I knew deep down it was wrong, I really did. But still I let my heart rule over my mind, I asked her to be my girlfriend, I asked her to become my lover.

She agreed.

I was the happiest being in this world.  The person I loved so much loved me back, and she was now my lover.

 

I knew I was doing wrong, but i couldn’t stop myself, I couldn’t turn my feelings down, I couldn’t ignore my heart. 

 

I’m not going to try to justify myself, what I’m doing, every action I’m taking… is more wrong.  Each day that passes I sit down and think of how much wrong I’m doing to her, of the monster I’m being in her story.

She tells me she’s happy with me, that she loves me, that she’s never felt this way towards anyone in her life, that she really does see herself with me in future, that she wants me in her life forever.

To all this I wonder… do I deserve all this?

Do I deserve such beautiful feelings from her?

There are millions of people out there who can provide her much better than I can.

Millions of people that can make her happy.

Millions of people who won’t hurt her like I am.

And me? I’m just posing as the villain in her story.  I’m taking her time, time she could use to find that someone better than me.  That someone who won’t lie to her, that someone who will provide with everything in a way much much better than I could ever do.

 

I’m in her way. I’m nothing more than pain disguised as love, I’m the wolf disguised as the lamb in her life.

I’m torn here.  I don’t know what to do.. I don’t know what’s wrong or right anymore.

 All I know… is that I love her and that I really wish to be with her.  

 

 

One thought on “My life begins”

  1. Your words hit home with me. I resonate strongly with the feeling of being unworthy or loveless. I don’t know if it’ll ever go away but you give me hope 😀

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