Call me loveless!

So I pretty much thought that I would never use one of these online diary sites, but I just feel like lately I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings that I really don’t want to discuss with anyone openly. One of my main problems recently has been forming romantic relationships, and this weekend has left me feeling a little hopeless. So I recently went to a frat party this past saturday, and I ran into this guy I use to have feelings for. He graduated last year, but came up for the weekend to attend the party. I hesitated to say hi to him, because we hadn’t spoken to each other in months, and I felt that the conversation would be awkward, because our relationship was almost to an extent nonexistent. So anyways I approached him and said hi, and he greeted me, and asked me if I was going to one of the after parties. I told him I would be going, and then he asked me if I still had the same phone number and I told him yes. I actually didnt end up attending the after party, because my friend was not feeing too well, but I thought he would call me later to see if I was at the party. Yea I know that it seems that I maybe had high hopes, but I felt this way, because this scenario with him happened before last september. During that party he called me right after the party and told me that he really wanted to see me. During the months after that he would always hit me up when he came back to my school for parties. I knew he liked me since the first time I actually realized this when he use to to find every excuse to talk to me during my sophomore year spanish class. Our relationship however never got further than really texting though, so when I saw him recently I tried to signal to him that I actually wanted to really hang out with him, because I truthfully love seeing him. When I got home at like 4am in the morning after the current party I sat in my room staring at my phone anxiously waiting for a text or call that would never come. I then stuffed my face with leftover pizza and then went to bed a little confused and frustrated. What’s so troubling about the situation is that I feel like I am the only person I know who seems to be unlucky in finding love. I haven’t dated anyone since my junior year in high school, and I am currently a junior in college now. I sit and watch guys go crazy over my friends, and I patiently wait for some one to come along in my life to tell me that I am special, worthy, and appreciated. I just don’t get it. I know I am not one of the most drop dead gorgeous girls in the world, but I know that I am a beautiful person, but not just because people tell me I am , but because I know that I am both inside and out. This one guy was just a symbol of the heartache I feel sometimes. I will be turning 21 in april, and for some reason I am not too excited about it. I just have this negative notion that this will just be another age where I am even more lonely and depressed. I know that it seems as though I am naive , and I think love will help me value myself more, because someone will be there to give me worth and value, but I actually don’t believe this. I just think that love will help brighten up this life of stress and pain I feel on a daily basis due to the abundance of problems that I have in my life. I come off as having a tough exterior in which I rarely let people into my life, but the truth is that I crave love every minute that I am on this earth. I want some one who is not afraid to take me with all the flaws, and emotional baggage that I have. I want someone who can see the real me, and is not afraid to go on this journey to help me find me. I just feel like giving up sometimes. As i sit hear over dramatically listening to the song “lonely” by the Middle East , I wonder if maybe I am just destined to live a life dedicated to the title of this song.

One thought on “Call me loveless!”

  1. One thing about people..theyre selfish..theyre. always out to get wat they need or want… ppl like u n i r destined to live like this. 🙂

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