Breaking is so easy

I am 27 yrs soon to be 28 yrs old later this year. I have spent the majority of my life wondering what to do and who am I. I know one thing for certain…I am a person that loves to hard and to much. I am married to a nice wonderful man, but there are two things that linger over our relationship. The first is, I want children by the time I turn 30 and my husband seems to lack the same feeling of need that I have for children. We had discussed having children before we got married and it was agreed that we both wanted them. Before the wedding he finally tells me that he wants to wait on having kids.

This was a shock to me. Now everytime I talk about kids I either get silence or the answer of “we need to wait”. These two answers break my heart every time. I want children so bad. His reasoning is that we need to wait til we are more financially stable….which I can agree with to a certain degree. There is never a perfect time to have children though. I just want him to understand that.

The second problem that haunts me is that we are in a ployamorous relationship with another couple. This has worked out so far for both couples involved. I have given so much of myself to my own marriage and to this poly relationship that I feel I have nothing else to give. My “boyfriend” is a love of my life. I think about him constantly and would do anything under the sun for him. We’ve hit a rocky spot though. I know the day is coming soon to where the other couple say that they don’t want us anymore. That wouldn’t be so bad except that I did end up falling in love again. It doesn’t mean that I love my husband any less. In my perfect world I would be able to love them and spend time with them equally. It is just that, when I’m with my husband I find myself thinking of my boyfriend. When I can’t be with my boyfriend I’m depressed. I know it is unfair to my husband but this is something that I can’t control.

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