Why is it so easy for me to act like everything is fine? And hide all of the bad things in my life? I’m done. Done trying. Done pretending that I am okay. It’s all mirage. My life, the people in it -whom I love to death and care? It’s all a fucking lie. Something that feels so real but it’s not. It’s all an illusion. Deceptive! Mirage! I’m living in a world where I do not exist. I do not exist in those people’s lives who I’d die for. I’m invisible to those I want to be visible. It’s just so fucking fine!
Why do I feel like I should break all of the rules and go wild? Kill every possible human being. Or just kill myself. Who would care? I want to live my life, and go crazy. I want to not care about what other people think about me. But the people I really care. But they don’t even remember that I am still alive. May be they want me dead! Literally DEAD!!!….
I really don’t care what would happen to me from now on. I had it all. Enough is enough. If there’s a way I can get these terrifying feelings and the voices out of my body and mind, I would literally do anything. ANYTHING! I am living such a lie that it’s inevitable.
I have always, (actually most of the time) been strong enough and always thought positive before, but even that was a lie. Yes, I was strong and a positive person for something I imagine inside my damn head but it’s really not in reality. It does not exist just like me. I remember thinking I don’t even feel bad about this. Hurting my feelings, hating myself but yet, being strong, thinking positive that someday things will change for good, holding on apparently for no good reason. I mean how stupid am I really? (Someone please slap me hard) I have been holding on for so long for what? Why? I’m feeling miserable already and thought of different ways to kill myself. I even listed the ways I can suicide. Ones I wrote a suicide note. Who would get my belongings and all stuff after I’m dead. But I was such a chicken I couldn’t even do it.
I was born Christian. And I still do believe in Christ. I really don’t live my life as a true Christian. (No, I am not proud of it) I feel like God is punishing me for the way I’m living my life away from God. I only prayed. (I never stopped praying. I always prayed for my loved ones. NOT about me) I can’t remember when I read the bible last. It was long time back. I dunno why? I can’t remember why? I just stopped reading. I feel like God is up there in the heaven with a hammer waiting to beat the hell out of me. God is mad at me and He’s going to strike me and I am going to die. But I really didn’t care. Did I? But I was always afraid of Him. A little voice inside my head still says that “No matter what you do, how you turn your back on God, He still loves you. He died for your sins.” But why? I am NOT deserved to be loved by anyone. ANYONE! Specially by almighty God. People were always so loving. But it lasts only for few months. Then “BOOM” I’m dead to them. I do not exist in their world. FML….
I used to think this is all a bad, bad dream and then I’ll wake up. (Someone please wake me up! It’s a nightmare!) But no. I didn’t. No one tried. Then I realized; I’m having nightmares with my eyes open. I couldn’t stand pretending anymore. God I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay. But I don’t expect you to help me even if I pray. I mean, WHY would you help me anyway? I am a terrible person. There are people who deserves to be heard than me. So, does my prayer really matter? Ah! Ah! I don’t think so. (God, what should I do?)
Sometimes I would just sit in front of the computer – staring at the screen feeling miserable or playing boring lame games online all night long. (Sometimes till 2 – 3 am) I’ll be counting the hours to go back to work. Because by morning some of the voices were just gone. When I see the faces of the kids, how their little feet run around the ground laughing, singing and playing with friends, the way they look at me? I feel I’m loved (at least for a while) those hugs and kisses they give me everyday. I need it. Maybe that’s what keeps me going. 🙂
When I come back home after work I just take a wash and play hardcore songs or metal (I love when they scream. I feel like they are struggling with something horrible just like me. It makes me feel I am not the only one) I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling fan listening to all the voices in my head. They used to be so fun and friendly. I loved them. But now just like others they have changed. 🙁 They are so mean to me just like the people I love. Maybe what they say is true. I don’t open the windows. I didn’t want the light to come inside my room. I wanted it to be dark. I just drop the cloths on the chairs and tables. Sometimes even on the floor. (I wasn’t like this. I had it all kept in place. Neat and clean. What is wrong with me?) I didn’t pick up when my friends call. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I loved that they called but I just wanted to be left alone for a while and I was scared that they will say something bad and hurt my feelings all over again. Even if I answer the voices said “they hate you, you piece of shit!” I couldn’t concentrate on what they say. They will think I am mad and creepy. I lock the door. when I come inside my room (My mom hates it and she scolds me every single time I do so) I just didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk even to my parents.
I couldn’t continue reading my novel or the comics. The voices were always distracting. When I read one line they said something really mean relating that to my life. They turned out to be so cruel to me. That is depressing. All I had was the friendly voices. Now they turned their back on me just like people. It tormented me. (I need a dog. I miss Sandy. She used to understand me and helped me in my troubled times 🙁 )
The voices be like ~ “Hey, hey you, listen to me! You know what? Nobody gives a shit about you”….“He doesn’t want to talk with you. That’s why he ignores you”….“You are so creepy, wicked and fucking annoying”….”Even your parents don’t want you here”….“You are a trouble maker”….“Go die”….“Take that blade and cut yourself to see if it bleeds cause you do not exist”….”Kill yourself”…”You are such a coward!”….
The voices are shouting out loud at me at times when I try to ignore. I could hear all the voices talking at ones and I feel like my head is about to explored. I take few panadols, hug my teddy so tight that it makes me hard to breath, close my eyes really tight and try to sleep. I feel like I want to cry out loud like a new born baby. But I didn’t want to be that weak. I am still trying to be strong again. But I have lost all the courage and no more motivation.
Totally isolated (For the first time in my life. Or is it? It was always like this bitch) Living a lie! Not knowing who I really am anymore. I mean, WHY the heck am I still alive? God, I know even you can’t change the past. Why don’t you just take my life? Just go ahead and kill me! I really don’t understand. I really don’t know what Your plans are for me keeping me alive when I don’t want this life anymore. Actually, I don’t want to hate myself thinking of who I am in their lives and all bullshit. All rubbish. Nonsense. I shouldn’t be worried. I shouldn’t let the voices or anything else put me down. Am I going insane? Am I out of my fucking mind? There are a millions of questions that are haunting me like a phantom. A millions of ways that could go wrong. My life/ my mind is so out of control. Everything blows up on my face. Everything around, everyone around me seem like a dream. Mirage!!
For the very first time in my life I started actually to think about MY LIFE and planned for MY future. But the person I expected to help me and guide me to make MY dream come true doesn’t even want to meet me because he might end up in jail seeing with a girl? WTF? Couldn’t you just think of any other lame excuse better than this which I can actually believe. I can’t believe. Is this the same person who ones said “I don’t care who’s around, I’m gonna hold you, hug you and kiss you!” LMFAO!! I didn’t expect him to hold me, hug me or kiss me. No! I just needed to see him. Just ones! That is all. Nothing else. That says it all. The voices were right. He literally hates me. He doesn’t want me in his life ANYMORE!!
My whole life -THE GREATEST FUCKING JOCK!! I should win an award you know. What is going to happen next? “I” do not exist in ANYONE’S life. I’d rather be dead and gone by now. I really don’t care what will happen to me next. I don’t give a fuck!! I am already fucked!!