My Letters to Country


It doesn’t hurt so bad today Kev. Maybe I will be okay. This morning wasn’t easy, I still felt so lost and empty without you, but at lunch instead of curling up and sleeping, I sat with Gee and talked. Talked about you and the things you said the last time we talked. Talked about how you make me feel and how I still have hope that I’ll hear from you again. We talked about how I think you should talk to Katie. Women are people and you can talk to us just like you talk to me. I want you to be happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. If you’re not happy, your boys will know. They will know that their father is unhappy and they will grow up knowing it. I know you say you’re happy but I think you tell yourself you are so much that you trick yourself into thinking it’s true. If you were as happy as you want me to believe you are, you never would have been looking for someone, you never would have looked for me or talked to me. There’s a part of you that was reaching out for someone, just like the part of me that was searching for you. We were meant to find each other, we were meant to be in each other’s lives and I plan on sticking it out. In Chinese culture they believe in the story of the Red String of Fate. The gods tie a red string to two people, forever connecting them because that is how it is destined to be. Lovers, friends, enemies, your partner can be anyone and can come in and out of your life throughout your lifetime, but they are always there. You are who my red string is tied to. I wouldn’t love you like I do if you weren’t. You might now be in my life right now but maybe someday you will be again. I’ll have faith in it even if you don’t because I know in my heart it’s true. I will never give up on you. The week we did get to spend together impacted my life so profoundly and in so many ways. I miss you terribly with everything that I am, but I’m grateful for what we did have. I still hurt when I look at your pictures or read the words you left me with, but I cry because I love you and I miss you, not because I don’t think I’ll ever see or hear from you again. I don’t know when I’ll hear from you and that scares me, but I hope that someday I will. Maybe I never will, maybe you created all of this in order to severe ties with me because you got what you wanted, maybe I’m not worth fighting for and everything you said was a lie to get me in bed, to make me feel something for you, but maybe it wasn’t. 98 problems right? I do believe that you needed me just as much as I needed you and still need you. I do believe that someday things will work out or change and I’ll get to feel you hold me again, kiss me again, laugh with me, smile with me, talk with me. You’re my Twinkie Kevin. I love you. Maybe right now we’re just being tested, maybe this is to teach us that love can wait, that we belong together no matter what the universe or life throws at us, no matter what obstacles we have to face, as long as we’re strong and as long as we have faith in each other. 17 1/2 years isn’t so long right? 44 and 47 is still young and I’m waiting. I’ll never stop thinking about you Kevin and I will always love you. Always.

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