My Letters to Country

7.4.13

I can’t help but think we should have been together today, I wish we had been. I would have liked to be tucked against you with your arm around me, breathing in the smell of you, feeling safe and warm and wanted. I miss you Kevin. I wanted to wish you a Happy Fourth, I wanted you to know I was thinking about you while the fireworks were going off. Do you know I’m thinking about you? Are you thinking about me? I wish you would find a way to let me know. We knew being in each other’s lives wouldn’t always be easy…I’m afraid that you’re going to move on and forget me and I’ll just be left a sad, broken girl who gave part of herself to someone she thought was special and important and deserved it. I wish you would find a way to let me know you’re thinking about me if you are. I wish you could find a way to let me know you miss me as much as I miss you, if you even do. Writing to you hurts but makes me feel closer to you. I’m afraid you’ll never know how I feel, I’m afraid I’ll never get to tell you, but I’m the most afraid of burying all of these feelings inside myself because I know that eventually they’ll force their way out and ruin me. So I write them down. All my fears, all my hopes and wishes. All the things I want. All my love and hurt and anger. I am angry. I’m angry at you for hurting me. I’m angry that you couldn’t find it in yourself to tell the truth. I’m angry that you said you’d never break my heart. You lied. You hurt me. But I still love you. You are so much more than you think you are, you’re an amazing, wonderful man. Smart, funny and charming and you made me believe that  you would never hurt me. Sometimes I feel like a fool. A stupid girl who wanted too much in her life and should have been happy with what she had. You told me that I should try to make Adam like you, but no one could ever be like you, not ever. It hurt me that you could think I could just make him like you somehow. If I could do that I wouldn’t be having such a hard time dealing with all of this. I look at your pictures in my phone and I cry because I want to see you smile at me and laugh with me and look at me the way you do, like you’ve never seen anyone so beautiful, like you don’t see anyone but me. My life is so much less right now without you in it, and I’m angry at you for letting that happen. For coming into my life and making me feel special and amazing and so incredibly beautiful. You had no right to do those things. You had no right to get on that site and message me and come into my life.  I should have ignored your message, my life right now would be so much easier if I had. But I didn’t. I didn’t because you’re on the other end of my red string, somewhere in the universe things clicked into place and put us in each other’s lives for a reason. I may be angry with you, but I still love you. I always will. Today was less hard than yesterday but I still waited for my phone to ring, to hear your voice on the other end wishing me a happy fourth, calling me your peach, telling me you still love me and you’re thinking about me. But you didn’t call, I don’t even know if you wanted to. How long will I wait by the phone for you? How long before I can go 5 minutes without feeling that hollow feeling spread through me. How long before I can wake up and not miss you more than the day before? What if these feelings never go away? What if I miss you forever, what kind of life is that? Maybe I’ll learn how to deal with all of these feelings and heal and just have my love for you left over. I don’t know if I’m making sense anymore…I’ve been taking something to help me sleep and they’re starting to kick in. I’m afraid to dream about you. I medicate so that I can sleep and not dream, because I’m afraid if I dream about you, when I wake up everything will come crashing down all over again. I don’t want to think about it. I’m going to go to sleep now, I’m still wearing your tshirt and I’m still waiting for you. I still love you Kevin. I still love you. 

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