My Letters to Country

7.2.13

Kevin…

Why did you lie to her. If you had told her, been honest, maybe this would all be better, less painful, less brutal. I never wanted to take you away from your family, from your boys, not even from her…I just wanted the chance to have you in my life, as a friend, as someone who loves me, as someone that accepts me and laughs with me and looks at me, seeing who I really am, deep down where I hide her. I never wanted to leave my life and take hers, I just wanted to have a part of you in mine. Should I be grateful for the time we did have? The week we were able to spend together? I am. You made my life better, made me better, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve been cheated, we’ve been cheated, out of memories and experiences we deserved to have together. Good things are supposed to happen to good people so why s this happening to us? Because you lied? Because you weren’t honest? How is that fair for me? Should I have told you I couldn’t see you unless you told her? Should I have been stronger? I’m sorry I didn’t do those things, Gee says I should stop holding on, that I should let you go and not think of the chance, however slim, that I could see you again. How can I do that? How can I possibly not wish  and hope with everything that I have and everything that I am, that someday I’ll get to see you again. Adam told me to wait, t o be patient, to let you figure things out with Katie and maybe, after things have settled down, maybe you could take me fishing, we could go to the movies or the drive in or have lunch, not as lovers but as friends. I wish I could ask you if that could ever happen, god I would give absolutely anything  to be able to just talk to you. I don’t understand Kevin, I don’t understand how she can tell you that you can’t leave but you also can’t talk to another human being. Tell her you’re never going to leave. Tell her that you will always stay to support her and your children. But tell her that you’re going to talk to me, because you love me, because I make you happy, that you need me. Tell her that she can’t tell you who you can and cannot talk to, you’re an adult. Tell her she’s being ridiculous and that you’ll never leave and she has nothing to worry about. You don’t love her like you love me, but you’ll stay because you’re a good man and you love your children. She told you that you can’t leave, so how can she threaten to take the boys? She can’t have it both ways Kevin. If you love me, you will at least talk to her. Maybe she has her own things to say, maybe she needs you to listen to her as much as I need you to hear me. You’ve lied enough, things will never get better unless you’re honest, unless you tell the truth. Maybe one day I’ll be able to send you this. Maybe one day you’ll read this and know that I’m right. Maybe one day we’ll be together again, if only for a brief moment. I love you Kevin. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, maybe that’s why this is so hard, maybe it’s why it hurts like it does, because it’s real love, not just a fleeting feeling, not something I can just let go of. I love you and I always, always will. No matter what. No matter when. And no matter how. Hopefully I’ll hear from you soon. Maybe I’ll be able to read you the letters I’m going to write you. I think that would be nice, I’ll hold on to that idea for now, the way I’m holding on to our memories and the love I have for you. I’m still here and I’m still waiting. 

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