My Letters to Country

7.5.13

Today’s not so good. I’m not eating the way I should be. I’m not really eating at all actually. I know that I should, but honestly the pain from being hungry all the time is easier to deal with that what I feel when I think of you. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from you again. Everyday it gets harder to convince myself that you’ll call, that I’ll hear from you. Maybe today is just harder because I’m at work again. When I’m home everything is just a little easier to handle, but when I’m here everything just falls apart. This is where I would talk to you the most, think about you and what you’re doing. I’m sitting here right now wondering how your day is going. If you’re still really busy, if you’re getting rained on, if you’re eating right. If you wish you could call or message me. Do you not have your work phone back yet? Are you too afraid of Katie’s threats to even try to call me? You could erase the history, erase the number. Maybe you forgot my number, maybe you’ve already forgotten me and moved on, accepted the fact that you can’t have me n your life just because Katie said so. Maybe you didn’t want me anymore and that was just the easiest way to cut me out and brush me off. I’d like to think that if you could read that last part you would be shaking your head at me and thinking that I’m being ridiculous and those things I’m thinking are all 98 problems made up in my head. That’s just the kind of day I’m having. I woke up sullen and bitter, so many negative thoughts in my head telling me you’re a liar, that you never loved me, that you used me, that you didn’t want me, that you lie, that you’ve gone back to your normal life with your loving wife and your boys. Back to the family that needs  you more than I need you. I don’t blame you. Who would really want me anyway. Turns out I’m nothing special after all…just a stupid, lonely girl who doesn’t know how to be happy with what she has. But you know what? I loved you. I love you still. Even though I feel like this, even though I’m pissed off that you haven’t called. I still love you. I thought if I could be mad at you, if I could convince myself that you’re just another guy who lied to get what he wanted, if I could make myself believe it, then god this would be easier right?? I can’t even make myself believe it, my stubborn heart just goes right on breaking, right on hurting and waiting and loving you. Pretty sad huh? How pathetic am I? I can’t let go and I can’t get you out of my head. I’m going to have to start pretending to be normal, people are starting to get worried, people are starting to notice that I’m not okay. I’m to going to have to start lying to myself. How long before I believe it? I can barely look at myself, let along smile and be cheerful and pretend that a piece of me isn’t missing. How on Earth am I supposed to convince other people that I’m okay if I can’t even convince myself. Call me Kevin. I need you to call me, I need you to tell me that you love me, that you meant everything you said. That I’m still your girl and you think about me every single day. Call me and make all of this negative go away, all of these doubts, all of these stupid fears. Call me. Call me. Call me. I’m still here and I’m still waiting for you. 

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