My Letters to Country

7.6.13

I have to go and pretend I’m normal today. Gee’s one year anniversary is in a few hours and I have to at least try to make her believe that I’m just a little bit better. Hey, I got out of bed today…that’s a start right? I even went to the grocery because I told her I’d make deviled eggs. One thing I’ve noticed, I’m jumpy and mistrustful of pretty much everyone right now and I can’t look anyone in the eye, I’m afraid they’re going to see that I feel dead inside. I don’t want to be touched and I don’t want to be talked to. I just want to crawl back in bed and take more pills and be swallowed up by that heavy, dreamless sleep. No matter how much I sleep, I’m still tired, still feel so lethargic, like I’m weighted down with all of my sad feelings. Is this depression? I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve had bad days, but I always go to bed and wake up the next day sort of …snapped out of it. When am I going to snap out of this? How come I can’t just say…”Hey we had a great  time together and I appreciate them and you. I’m glad they happened,” and then just move on. Why am I having such a hard time getting over you? Does all of this mean I really did, truly and honestly love you? Did my heart find something in you that it’s been looking for, something I didn’t even realize fully it was missing? Is that why this is so hard? Maybe I’m just going crazy. Maybe I finally cracked up and I’m one step away from a long stay in a state run facility. Maybe I do need help… I did call you know. I called a shrink  because Adam and Gee bulled me into it. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t know how they’re going to help me  and I don’t need someone pushing mood levelers or happy pills at me, telling me “just take these, they’ll make it all better.” I’m not weak Kevin. Everything sucks right now and I still get sad and I still wake up missing you…but I have to figure out how to cope on my own, in my own time. I’m not going to lie, it would help me if you just called me. I need some questions answered and if we can’t make anything work right now, then I need you to tell me so. I need you to say the words and I need to hear it. I need the closure. A part of me is always going to love you. A part of me is always going to wait for you. That part of me can’t run my life through. This is how I feel today. Maybe tomorrow will be different…better, worse, more of the same. But right now, sitting here in the middle of my kitchen on a little tykes tiny kitchen chair I’ve had since I was five, right now I feel like maybe I can get through this. I’m still loving you. I’m still waiting. I’m still your peach. But I’m going to get through this. 

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