Hello, GoodNight

I’m blessed, I truly am. I have a gorgeous, wonderful husband. I have 2 adorable teenage step kids. I have 2 beautiful dogs, a Doberman and a pit-bull. My parents are amazing. And if that’s not enough, I have a beautiful home filled with lovely things.

Despite all of these wonderful things, there’s been a lot of rough times. I had a great job with a local police department. about 3 years ago, I injured my wrist pretty badly and was taken off active duty to have surgery and recover from my injuries. A year after being taken off work, I got a call from the city informing me that I was laid off. 2 surgeries later, my treatment ended (with me sustaining permanent damage to my wrist) and come to find out I wasn’t eligible for unemployment despite serving 5 years.

So here I am. I’m in pain every day and can’t find a job despite a stellar resume. We’re living on my husband’s salary, which isn’t enough, and I feel so helpless. The cool thing about getting hurt at work and having permanent disability is that I’m going to get a retraining voucher good for college or vocational school. I miss law enforcement, so very much. It breaks my heart every day knowing that I will never wear that badge again. So, I decided, I want to become paralegal with my retraining voucher. School starts in a month, and registration is in a week, but as previously stated, we’re broke. I mean like barely getting by. So needless to say, we don’t have money to pay for school and until my case over my wrist settles in court, I won’t get or be able to use my retraining voucher. I’m 28, married with step kids and a home, and I don’t want to ask my parents for help, even though I think they probably would. But doesn’t it make sense that as long as I can’t find a job (I’ve put hundreds of applications and resumes out) that I should start my schooling to do what I really want to do? But again, I’m stuck.

And none of this is to say that I’m not grateful for the things I do have. I’m blessed and I know it, and my gratitude is unending. I guess I’m just frustrated with the things that are out of my control and I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have so much to say but no one to talk to. I have so much going for me but I still feel like I’m failing. Maybe I’m just too hard on myself, but is that really a bad thing? Is it bad that I have high standards for myself that I know I’m not living up to even though I’m trying so hard? Life has been rough and wonderful over the last year, but I’m just not coping well right now. There’s so many things that are happening right now that are out of my control and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. I’m beyond stressed and I need someone to talk to… And I guess that’s where you come in. Maybe you will listen to my saga… Just listen and be there for me. Understand I am not complaining, I don’t really have much to complain about… I just need to vent my frustration. Will you listen?

Thank you and good night, Goodnight Journal…

-Lulu

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