The End….Or Beginning?

I’m not even sure where to begin…..So much running through my mind and no one but god to talk to. Sometimes it would be nice to have that confidant that I can go to, but even that seems to have fizzled. I thought Louis would be a good choice, but he has made it clear that I’m sure that girl that he can push aside whenever it seems convenient. Now that his daughter is in town, he seems to have kicked me to the curb. All good though. If he ever gets to that place when he wants to reach out again, I’ll just go back into my hole and let him know that it just won’t work. Amazing, that when he was going through his life events, I was there for him, even after not speaking to him for almost 10 years. I made myself available. And I guess because I didn’t jump his bone when he thought I was going just going to run, he cooled down. How the hell does he expect me to want someone or want a relationship with someone that can’t afford to take care of himself. He obviously can’t take care of me. Funny, because he is still that same kid that he was back in college and now at age 40, he is still that same kid that still wants someone to take care of him. I guess I have the worst luck when it comes to men. Here, I thought I was getting a gem and he turns out to be nothing but a lump of coal! Ha…..lucky me. But, I have a plan and just hope that everything works out the way I want it to. Yes, I do have my moments where I want to stay with him, and just suck it up. At my age, it will me almost impossible to find someone that wont have skeletons or faults. But, this dude, lord have mercy!! Funny because he showed me who he was, and told me who he was and I just turned a blind eye to it. Lesson learned. I can’t live this life that he expects me to put up with. Like ive said before, nothing has changed. He has done what he had done and I don’t deserve that. Now, he’s home more, and not working so many hours, and he’s even had a new found interest in sex. But, over the next few days, I will share my story. It’s been too long since I’ve journaled and put but my thoughts down on paper. A new beginning. Not because I want to, but because my peace of my required it. Think if I put it down in words, it will give me a new found freedom to get things out of my mind, and free me of this daily torture of replaying or imagining what happened, or what is happing. I’m so ready to jump, but I know that all in time. It took time to get me here. It will take time to get me to a better place.

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