First Entry

Well Here I am wrtiting how I feel because it’s getting hard to control things.  I feel like i’m losing it and I’m getting more and more pissed off every day….The littlest things just irritate the shit out of me and it takes so much out of me just to keep control.  I thnk about how life use to be.  How much easier things were before this shit happened to me.  And it hurts me and also pisses me off to know that life will never, ever , ever be the same as it could’ve been.  I won’t be able to achieve alot fo the dreams I wanted to before because of this bullshit label I have behind my name now.  It hurts to know that it will be harder to make friends now and the friends I have could possibly leave me behind because they don’t want to be associated with someone who has my lable.  I truely am sorry that my friends might have to deal with the bullshit that may come because of people who don’t like me because of the title I have from this charge and all I can do is pray that they stay by my side and hope that they will stick by me because I will stick by them always.  If you are my friend then there is not much I won’t do to make sure that your are happy.  That’s how I’ve always been.  I know I have slipped up from time to time on this, but I promise from this point on that I will do my best to be the best friend I can to all of my friends.  Everybody else who isn’t there for me…Fuck Y’all.  Prison has been the hardest time of my life and I need all the support I can get.  No one in my immedieate circle realizes how much a letter means to me.  The lasty letter I got from a freind was a week ago and I have read that letter everyday, twice a day because it makes me happy.  Thre was also a picture of my friend with her daughter that she sent with the letter and I’ve looked at the picture of my ffriend everytime I read that letter as well.  So, to all those people who aren’t here now, if you are reading this please be there for me and support me by writing.  When I get out I’m going to remember all the people that wrote me and talked to me on the phone and visited and they will hold a special place in my heart.  Because all the friends and family that want to be there for me whe I get out, but didn’t take the time to at least write me in prison when it would’ve helped me well, they don’t need to be there for me when I get out either.  I need friends who are there through the good times and the bad. 

Prison has been a really bad time and I have lost the majority of the friends I once had.  Some are still here and I’ve made a new friends as well.  To all of those people; my mom, grandma, dad, and all my friends now(y’all know who y’all are) – Thank You all so much.  All of you mean the world to me…and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I’ve struggled my whole life with feeling inadequate.  I’ve never felt good enough and always felt “less than” because of my past.  For the people reading this who don’t know what I’m talking about I’ll explain.  I was adopted at birth and I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I was a mistake because my biological “mother” gave me up.  I felt she abandaned me from day one and it has left a scar on me that still hurts to this day.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am glad because if this wouldn’t have happened then I wouldn’t have met the family I have now.  I mean I have the most amazing mother on the face of the Earth, at least I think so.  She does so  much for me and she will never know how much that means to me.  I know sometimes I don’t show it, and I am sorry for that, but I appreciate everything she has done.  My grandma – I love her with all my heart and she is my world.  I love my grandmas so much.  My dad will, lately we haven’t been as close as we once were, but I still love him.  I’ve always been proud to call him my dad.  We have had arguments in the past and things were said that can’t be taken back.  But even still, I love my dad and am proud to call him dad.  So if I hadn’t been adopted I would have never had these wonderful people in my life and I wouldn’t have thse amazing friends that I do have now.  I think I didn’t really feel abandoned by my biological “mother” until the last time she abandoned me.  You see I wans’t able to have contact with her or my biological sister or anyone on my biological side of the family until I turned 18.  So when I turned 18 we met and life was good I guess.  She wanted to be a part of my life and so did my sister and grandmother on my biological side.  This was awesome to me because I’ve always wanted a sister my whole life and when I found out I had a sister I was happy.  I would’ve loved to had a sister that grew up with me but I wasn’t forutnate enough for that, so knowing that I still had a sister made me happy.  But about a year after meeting my biological “mother” she abandoned me once again, which is why it finally made me realize she abandoned me at birth.  I always stayed in denial trying to tell myself that she id it out of love and that she only wanted the best for mee…but now I realize she gave me up for adoption because she didn’t want me.  I guess there was somethng wrong with me and she gave me up because I wan’t good enough.  I bet if she could have killed me and got away with it she would have, just so she didn’t have to deal with me.  But I’m glad because the family that adopted me has loved me like nobody else could have.  So I am grateful that they took me in.  It doesn’t mean I don’t have problems with still feeling like I’m worthless…like I wasn’t meant to be.  But I’m working through it everyday and I don’t think I would’ve made it this long in life without the love from them.  I have to admit my friend Chelsea has saved my life a couple of times.  Actually my last sicide attempt was a failure because of her.  If it weren’t for her being there for me and loving and caring for me I’d be dead but I pulled through for her.  I tried to overdose on pills and I would have never have forced myself to throw them up if I would’nt have thought about her.  So she saved my life the last time I attempted suicide and she didn’t have to do anything but be there for me, love me, and care about me.  Now to all my friends who I haven’t mentioned, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you.  I’ve know Brittany since I was 5 or 6 and we have had a lot of crazy times together.  Jennifer has helped me through many of the tough times I’ve had in here because she has just been there for me.  All my pen pals brighen my day when they send letters because it makes me feel like I can go one more day.  I haven’t gotten a lot of letters lately and I think thats why I’ve been having a harder time lately, but hopefully all of my friends will start writing alot so I can get lots of mail : )   The only thing I wish that could’ve been different with my biological family is that I wish I could’ve had a relationship with my sister Rebecca.  I pray that one day she will want to be a part of my life, but it probably won’t ever happen.  All I can do is hope for the best but like I said it’s not looking good.   – Me       

One thought on “First Entry”

  1. One, you are not a mistake, never were, never will be. Two, you biological mother giving you away was a blessing – you where meant to walk this earth – good or bad – you were meant to be here so that that loving family that adopted you could be your family (I like to believe that you where just born to the wrong mother and your real mom is the one who raised you, so I applaud them!!). And last, the fact that you have friends that are still standing by you, means that you are loved and that you are important – YOU MATTER TO THEM!! (Sorry for yelling…..). One day at a time is all you can ask for, and this label that you think is going to follow you will only hold you back if you become that label. You are a wonderful, beautiful, and powerful person that has managed to admit you did wrong – you can achieve whatever you want in life, so long as you do it for you and not to prove anything to anyone. You are not your mistakes, you are not your past, and what you do in the present will define your future. Don’t give so much power and negative emotions to those who choose not to be there. They aren’t strong enough to be called your friend. Later for them. Family is not always blood. Family are those who we share a bond with and that can love and hate you all at the same time and still be by your side. Grab a hold of those who are your family. Make new friends that will empower you (and I don’t make friends easily, but those that I do have, are more family to me that my own blood). Keep you head up. Keep smiling. And most importantly, never give up on yourself. If you don’t have faith in you, no one else will!!

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