The Real Me

For awhile, I have never felt myself like most people should feel about themselves. I never really fit the true description of a female. I always found myself more into things guys were into. Naturally, that would be considered a tomboy style. For example, when I was younger, I hated girl toys such as: Barbie dolls, dolls in general, make up sets, etc. None of  it fit me, of course now I love make up, but I am into make up FX and the art of it, nothing more or less. That’s besides the point though. I always found myself towards hot wheels, guyish cartoons/anime, video games, etc. I even enjoyed playing in dirt and mud, getting dirty was a fun thing to do in my opinion. I never cared for dresses and skirts either…or clothes in general. If I received clothes for Christmas or Birthday, they would be thrown to the side. 

Though none of that should define myself, it being all materialistic items and such, it’s just the beginning of things. As I grew older I began dressing more guyish than as a girl, sure I wear dresses every now and then, but I do not feel happy in them. I also began cosplaying at age 10. Though that really has nothing to do with it, I preferred to cosplay as guys and to this day I still do. I will cosplay girls every now and then, but they are usually tomboyish and/or have no extreme girly features (unless I am begged into doing a cosplay, then who really knows.) It all really started to change in high school.

While I was in high school, I learned to open up more, and by doing so, I started to learn more about myself. I learned that I was not straight, gay, nor bi… I was pan sexual. Pan sexual is basically liking anyone regardless of gender, but for their personality and who they are. I didn’t think much of it though, I dated a few girls as well and it felt just like dating a guy, no different. I have never had sex and I am not too big on sexual things, so it didn’t matter to me whether they would put out or not or what they had because sex is the last thing that should matter.

Anyway, going a little further in time. I began to feel weird, knowing myself a little better and all. I felt like what is the point of these breasts, they are very annoying and I want them gone. Not to mention, I started getting guy short haircuts (Though it is mostly because I am not fond of hair.)  Another was, and still is, being a female. I always question myself whether I would go through with a sex change or not, but really from a lot of research, the bottom surgery doesn’t change too much, it’s really just an add on to make you feel like a complete male. If anything, I would try to have my breasts removed, and get Testosterone if possible. I just don’t feel like a female like a female should feel. Maybe one day.

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