the night i almost ended it all

I almost ended it all last night almost night had everything set up home alone for the week and nothing to hold me back nothing to stop me… But that’s the thing something did stop me and something made me feel like i was making a mistake, Like i was going to let someone down if i did was i was going to do… As i sit here its 7:30AM and i’m still trying to calm myself still trying to control myself, My hands wont stop shaking i feel like i’m going to choke if i breath to deeply. I’m questioning if i should call someone or not but i know i shouldn’t it would only end up hurting my mum its been so long since i have seen her this happy with someone i missed seeing her happy i cant say the person shes with but i just want her to be happy… I know my family wont be whole again and the same ever again no matter what i do!!! Hes gone and there is nothing more i can do to make him come back he doesn’t love me he never wants anything to do with me, Sometimes i think that he doesn’t want me around why would anyone else want me around? Isn’t a father meant to love his daughter no matter what? even if i’m not perfect even if i’m not princess you wanted me to be? I cant help it that i’m fucked up in the head i don’t want to be i don’t want to be this mess anymore i don’t want you to be disappointed in me i didn’t want to make you feel ashamed to be my father… even saying that work makes me sick to my stomach it makes me so hurt so frustrated and most of all hate, Hate that you could do that to me! Hate that you could leave me like that! Hate that you never cared that i needed you! Where the fuck have you been all times i needed you! so many times i needed you there to help me to give the strength i needed you turned your back! i watched you walk out of my life i spend days, weeks, months and years waiting for you to come back but you didn’t why was i so stupid to believe that you would ever come back!!!

2 thoughts on “the night i almost ended it all”

  1. Hey look I know I don’t know you but I understand some of the situation you are in. Well, mainly im suicidal. And in the pass 2 week I have attempted 3 times. But I want you to know that I am here for you. If you need it. And things do get better. In time. As for your father…I know I have no right to talk about your family. But if you have managed to come along fine without him. Then why do you need him? Okay yes I get that daughter father relationship. But if he doesn’t bother being your father or a father. Then he doesn’t have the honer to be a father. Just my opinion, so sorry if it comes off as rude. Which I am not trying to be. My main point is…stay strong. There is a reason to live. And I have to tell myself this also. But I am serious if you want someone to talk to. I am all ears.

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