drugs, pregnancy, and hell!

oh where to start.

my name is heather. my life has always been vodka on the rocks, with a side of marijuana joint to relax. i know none of you will know what that means. its a metaphor. it means, my life has always been hard and rocky. since i was 15, my life has always been about the drugs. 7 years ive done drugs and not been sober for 1 day!

i started out smoking pot, (doesnt everyone?) then i started experimenting with other things. when i was 17 i was prescribed lortabs. man, did they feel WONDERFUL! not too much after that, i gained a tolerance. they simply didnt work anymore. then i was introduced to roxys! WOW! it was a miracle in a little pill. i started crushing them up and sniffing them. not too much powder and instead of taking 20-30 min to start kcking in, it took less than 5 minutes. once you get that drip, you know its fixing to hit you. the first few, my tolerance was nothing. because they are soo much stronger than lortabs. i was vomiting, and doing a half a pill while playing guitar hero. i would literally do a half a pill, play a song, puke, and repeat! can you say FUCKED UP! i couldnt!. not long after that i moved in with my bf. that was the second biggest mistake in my life! it took him 10 months of doing it in front of me and trying soo hard to get me to use a needle. finally one day i gave in. i let him shoot me up witha brand new needle. he shot me with cocaine. i didnt feel anything. they say you should hear a train in your ears and feel warm, i didnt feel it i have never felt cocaine in a needle to this day.  after that he got me to try pain pills in a syringe. that was ok. the roxys didnt really do much but make me warm and a little dizzy. after a couple minutes, i was high though.

i didnt start getting addicted to the needle till i first experienced a dilaudid (k8). the RUSH you get from a quarter of one of them is unbeleivable! omg, you will never feel a high that is as intense as banging a k8. you feel your neck get warm and tense and then you relax in an instant. your legs start feeling wobbly and like pins. you get what we addicts call “jelly bones”. its amazing. you feel great all day. but then your tolerance builds back up. then you have to do more and more to feel anything. at 20$ per pill your habit ca get expensive, quick!

to top it off, the biggest waste of a good time you can have is crack! omg the rush from that is immense as well. you hit it hard and hold it in as long as possible!

for 5 years i did pills and was shooting them up for 3. i was smoking crack for 3 years too.

Ive been with my bf/baby daddy for over 2 years! we are in love with eachother. he is 42 and i am 22. He gave me the most beautiful wonderful thing in my entire life. i couldnt ever have a better birthday present. she came 2 days early (on my brothers b-day) for my bday and 3 weeks early for her due date!

i was banging 8 pills a day wheni found out i was pregnant. as soon as i found out, i stopped using the needle. i was smoking dope (crack) too. they were botrh very hard to get off. i cut down to 1 pill a day by myself in 7 months. the last month i was pregnant, i started going to the methadone clinic to get off the last one. i couldnt do it by myself. so ive been clean, off the opiates since june 6th, 2013. I relapsed on the crack the day before Lesley was born. i dont regret being on the drugs, but i do wish i would have gotten off them before i got pregnant. the ONLY reason i dont regret doing them is because they have help shape me into what i have become.

since i had cocaine in my body when my babygirl was born and i didnt have a suitable home for her, the state took her. she was in the NICU for 2 weeks. she is almost 6 weeks old now and i havent seen her since the day after she was born and i have only held her for less than 2 minutes her whole life. she is with my mother.

i am doing all i can to get her back. i have stopped EVERYTHING! i had a positive drug screen last tuesday for cocaine and i swear i havent done any. i looked up online what coulod result in a false positive for cocaine and it was my antibiotics, but i have no way to prove that. im trying to do my parenting classes and i have to have 2 clean drug screens first. my caseworker wont answer my calls or return them, she will text but ive tried to give her my new address and she doesnt even give me an ok. i am doing my substance abuse meetings and my one on ones with a councelor and i have a councelor at the methadone clinic. i have plenty of help in that department.

to get Lesley back, i have to do 20 parenting classes 10 individual and 10 group, after i have 2 clean random drug screens.

i have to do 6 to 8 substance meetings, and 3 or 4 one on one substance meetings.

have a house of my own and a job for 6 months, not get arrested, and keep in touch with my caseworker. im supposed to LEGALLY  see my daughter once a week but shes 4 hours away. its been over 5 weeks since ive seen her. i havent had any time to bond with her. she is a complete stranger to me. i am no one to her.

i want to get high so bad right now thinking about this. im crying.

i have come to terms with the fact i may never get her. it hurts! there is no feeling like losing a child. none! but if i dont atleast try, i will never get the chance to get her back. i couldnt live with myself if i didnt atleast try. she is worth it to me.

if i dont get her back, and if i dont kill myself, i will do drugs again. i will do them so much more that i overdose, over and over and over again till i suceed. i have been suicidal since i was 13. i have been a cutter for over 10 years, thats almost half my life!

4 thoughts on “drugs, pregnancy, and hell!”

  1. Read your story… May God give you strength and peace to go through what you going through!
    May Lord bless you and keep you safe

  2. I believe that you will get her back. Stay positive through the change in your life. Negative thoughts brings a negative reality. But Positive thoughts bring positive reality. I pray that you have the strength to get through this.

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