Definitely eenough puddles to be found today. It has done nothing but rain all day. I’m ready to go home. I am tired. I don’t think I went to sleep until about 1 this morning. Just entirely too much on my mind. I was at a point where I was pretty sure I knew what I wanted. I wanted to move and be with B. As days go by, the more he ignores me, the more lost I feel. He sent me a text last night while I was in the store. He said he had been busy. He has a busy job and I totally understand that but its like he only talks to me when he is at work. Why not call or text before or after work. I’m not asking for much, just a little effort to give me a sign that he cares. The other weekend we were joking around and he said well, how am I going to trust you with paying the bills. Just little comments like that give me hope but those are few and far between and just about the time I am about ready to give up completely, I get another little burst of hope. Slowly torture myself.
Any way, enough about that. Yesterday was crazy. The things people get away with amazes me. I try to see the good in everyone and I always give people the benefit of the doubt bit no matter how hard you try, some people just aren’t good people. I think part of my problem in life in general including relationships is that I give too much. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I try entirely too hard to make things work. I am the type to give my last dollar to someone if they ask for it. I don’t want to change. I was raised to work hard for what you need. Help someone whenever you can. Go after your dreams and work hard to achieve them. I try to do all of those but I get hurt a lot because of it. While I will continue to do all of those things, I will remember to focus on myself as well. Guard my heart a little closer. Do what I said I was going to the last couple posts. Build that wall up again. I love B and will. I told him not to forget that fact today. However, I am just going to stop trying. I am getting no where fast. If he decides he wants to be with me, that would be incredible and we will go from there. If not, that’s okay too. I just can’t keep standing on this sinking ship of emotions. The tide goes out and I think I will finally hit a sand bar and then the tide comes back in and my feet start to get wet. While I ultimately know that I know how to swim and I will survive if my boat sinks, I don’t like being cold and wet. Okay, so maybe I suck at comparing things. Ha. So yeah, I love him and he should know that but I give up. Officially.