skeletons in the closet

Hello my name is Kisha, I am 27 years old, I am married to a wonderful man Jesse and I have two children 8 and 6 whom live with their father. On the outside publicly I seem together and happy as if I have everything under control, on the inside I am a complete and utter mess. Everyone believes that they know who I am and what I am about, but truth be told the majority of them, including my husband, dont know the first thing about me. No one really knows that the majority of my days are filled with thoughts of dread and regret, things I wish I could have done better or not done at all. I am going to start keeping this journal in hopes to finally get these haunting thoughts and memories out and in the open, kind of a way for me to make amends for myself and for some self therepy. I believe that I guess I should start at the beginning, at least as far back as I can remember. When I was younger I was daddy’s little girl. We did everything together from watching television together to painting cars together, we were unseperatable. I will never forget the time when my mom, Terri, and my dad, Randy, were fighting. That night they were arguing about me I was always my mother’s favorite target. I remeber her saying to my dad that he wanted to be my father and that it was time he acted like my father. I had done something that had upset her I don’t remember exactly what I did wrong, I was always in trouble and always getting spankings from her for something that I did or did not do, but she was practically telling him he had to spank me this time. I will never forget that night, I was sitting in my room on the floor by my bedroom door, I still remeber the musty smell that wafted off the carpet and the dusk light coming in threw the bedroom window little dust particals dancing in the midst of the light beams. My mother called me into the bed room where she and my father were having their dispute about how he needed to displine me more. As I entered their bedroom I could sense the distress coming from my father because he was about to do something he really didn’t want to do. He called me over to him and told me to turn around and bend over. Doing as I was told he gave me five spankings one for each year I was alive for. I cried myself to sleep that night feeling betrayed and hurt. Over the years we had drifted apart my father and I. Eventually they divorced when I was 13. My mom remarried and my father dated. I got stuck with my mom and my brother went and lived with my dad. Life from that point on was hell and it has been since. We moved around alot my mom , step-dad and I. At first we all lived in bartonville where I grew up and after a while we moved out to the country. I hated living out there I really didnt have anything to do out there. I rmember this one time I was at school at this boy had asked me out I was so excited. I was in the eight grade and he was a sophmore in highschool. Out there in the country the schools were all in one building from kindergarden to senior year. After I started dating him everyone started to say that I was a slut because I was dating him. There was this one boy, Steven Thompson, who non stop would always recited a ludacris song to me sayin ” yous a ho” everyday multiple times a day, and it would always start on the school bus. There was another kid Ryan Fox who would always call me rakishi which I seriously hated, you see rakishi was a sumo wrestler from WWE, WWF back then, and he was making fun of me due to the fact that I was not the skinniest person around. I did make friends out there some that I have never forgoten even tho they have all proboly forgoten about me by now. Mindi Haun and Amber Mead and Brandon George. I remeber always being around mindi and amber we always had so much fun when we were together. I had a major crush on ambers brother ryan and I would always message him on a messenger. Brandon was best friends with steven. When my family moved back to bartonville from altona I stayed behind and lived with mindi. Life was great for a while there until the unexpectable happened I was thrown out and told I could not stay there anymore and had to go back to my moms. I was devistated I thought things in my life were finally going to be better and change for the good. I was young and dumb back then. After I moved all of my friend deserted me never to speak to me again. When I moved back to bartonville I rejoined my old classmates at my middle school finished out eight grade and graduated. I will never forget my eighth grade graduation. while standing in line i remember being upset I really dont know why but I was. One of the other kids that I went to school with told me that I had no reason to be crying and that I shouldnt be allowed to graduate with them because i didnt even stay at that school the whole time. I was and still am an outcast. during that summer in between eight grade and highschool I became a slut quite literally. I only hung out with guys from school never any females. I remember making a pact with three of my friends Roy, Ryan and josh. that if we didnt loose our virginity by the time school started that we would loose it together. needless to say i wound up sleeping with all of them multiple times that summer. I lost my virginity to ryan to begin with and the rest is history. by the time school started all of my friends ditched me once again to fend for myself. I met my first girlfriend that year Ashle y. Oh how i loved that girl, she was everything to me but i didnt realize it then. she introduced me to these pills called yellow jackets and we would go out dancing at this club called club horizon. it was for people 18 and younger. i remember being so hyped up on these pills and dancing all night long. I remeber metting these guys there dustin aka dusty and toby, whom was gay, I also met this guy named Justin. Justin and I hit it off quite well we dated for a while never did anything sexual but after a while he got him self into trouble and had to run. he took off to flordia only to try and kill a cop and get arrested and sentinced to life in prison. he left his best friend dusty to take care of me and watch over me. Dusty was my first true love we would talk for hours on the phone everynight there was even a joke between us that if justin ever got out he would proboly kill dusty with a spoon for taking me away from him….dustin and i formed an open relationship, when we were together it was just us but what we did on our own time was another story. he was somewhat controlling and i liked that about him how he would put me in my place if i steped out of line. I will never forget the first time i really pissed him off tho i did feel bad afterwords. we were at club horizon i was out on the dance floor dancing it up high off of yellow jackets and thourgouly enjoying myself. i left the dance floor and went into the pool room. there was this girl inthere that i found attractive from school. we had started to talk and the next thing i know we were making out and all the men in the room started to throw money at us it was exciting and new to me. dusty walked in at about that time and grabbed me by the arm and started to walk me out at that time we stoped in the hallway and he started to talk to somebody and i see an old boyfriend of mine walk past he noticed me and immediatly came in for a hug im not sure what came over me but i think it was the drugs in my system but i started to make out with him right there all the while holding dustys hand. oh was he firious. he jerked me away grabbing my arm tightly and walked me outside once outside he gave me a slap to the face and grabed me somemore explaining that i was his women and no one elses and i best remember that. I loved dusty like no other. i wound up overdosing on yellow jactes a few weeks later while in health class, of all the places to over dose thats where i chose i guess. but i remember dusty coming over and i layed in his arms fro hours while he petted my hair and calmed me down. dusty was my everything back then. and then one day it was all gone. he called me up on the phone said he had to leave unexpectidly and that i was not allowed to try and find him ever again. it broke my heart but i moved on. i am going to stop here for the night but i will be back tomorrow to finish my life story. until then goodnight and sleep tight.

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