sad

I am so down again. I feel like the world around me is collapsing and I can’t do anything to stop it. I feel like I have no one who I can talk to or that would understand. I feel absolutely crazy and confused and I just wish it was this easy to be happy. For some reason it isn’t and it is killing me inside. I ruin so many relationships I have with people and I don’t know how to stop it. I just get so down and upset and all I want is someone to wipe away my tears and hold me back from doing something stupid. I got in my car today because I wanted to run myself into a tree, with no seatbelt. I thought past the obvious of being injured. What if I live and ruin my life? What if I don’t get to die like I want and I am forced to live paralyzed or with brain damage or something? Then I will be fucked. I just need to get some type of reassuring something to help me finish this out with no possibility of living. That is what I want to do. I just don’t want to leave the people I love behind thinking about what they could have done to prevent it and hurting. But what about what I want? I don’t want to be here…this world is one fucked up place and I want nothing to do with it. I don’t see myself being successful and getting old and married with kids, I just don’t. I just want to be happy, and I can’t here. And I don’t know the way out that makes sense.

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