Woke up about half hour ago. Mom brought home Timmy’s. I had a medium triple triple which is 420 calories. I can only have I think 300+ calories today before I’m at my limit. I want to cut myself down to at the least 800 calories a day. It’s gonna suck, but if I want to fit those jeans again I’ll do it. This time I can’t rely on meth to give me that figure I once had. It’s just not worth it. Lately I’ve been getting cravings for it which is unusal since it’s been 5 years now since I’ve had that shit in my system. But when I see others on the meth, something in me wants what they’re feeling. In no way does that mean I’m going to go out and get high again. Hell no. That shit destroyed so much in my life that I’ll never return to it. Never! But I do envy those who are on it somehow. It’s like they get to feel and experience all the things I loved and enjoyed about the drug. They get to suffocate themselves in that world only us methheads know of. But I’ll never return to that world again. I hate this world (reality) but it’s a lot better then crashing and feeling like crap while you come down from a 3 week high.
I remember when I first started using meth. I didn’t know much about it, and to be honest, I was more concerned about fitting in then anything else. My friend Michelle intoduced it to me after I had tried xtc and hated it. I was hesitant as I’ve never snorted anything up my nose before and the idea of doing so somewhat unerved me. But she said she’d turn around so she wouldn’t watch and with a big sniff, my world changed forever. I started using maybe once a week. Then twice a week and within a month I was using everyday several times a day. I was fully hooked by 16 and spending well over 200/wk on meth. But at that point I couldn’t care less. I was loving life. My friend Karley and I would pool our money together and spend a good 2 weeks getting high before we started coming down and hating one another. It’s funny that during the time we were using together, we seemed to be friends for so many reasons. Now, without the drugs, I don’t know any of those reasons we stayed friends… anyhoo… back on topic.
I was I think 17 when I first started dropping weight. Although my family suspected I was using drugs, they never said anything until one morning, my mom took me shopping for back to school clothes. I’ve always been in a size 12 or 14. But that morning, while trying on jeans, I tried on a size 12. They flooded my body’s frame. I next tried on a size 10. Still too big around the waist. My mom gave me a size 8. Still too big. And it was then I noticed the look in my mothers eyes. Something I’ve never seen in her before. Concern. Utter concern and fear. Till this day, I can still see those eyes staring down on me and my baggy size 8 jeans that still didn’t hang onto me. So next size: 6. They fit. And my mom just starred in disbelief. But said nothing. So things continued. I realized I lost weight and I LOVED it! I felt beautiful. Not to impress anyone or get attention, but I felt good about myself for ME! I’ve never felt that way about myself before and the feeling was great.
When I was 18 or 19, I remember dropping down to a scary 110 pounds. My family saw the change, but of course said nothing. Things are better left unsaid as then they don’t seem so real. So anyhoo, I was loving it. I was about 20 or 21 when I reached a close 108, the lowest I’ve ever been. At that time in my life, things were unraveling so it was time I really get my life together. I stopped the meth. cold turkey. In my bedroom. by myself. My mother in the living room carying on with life as though nothing happened. Me, shivering, in pain, scared, cold and alone from the world in my room. Those 4 walls were my comfort for months. I didn’t move. i barely came out of my room. I barely talked. And I still barely ate. Nothing was right. It’s hard to imagine all that so many years ago. Yet still to this day my appetite has not returned and I hope for the sake of losing weight again it won’t return.
I want to be weightless again the same as I was then. And again – without the crystal. I crave it. I need it. I’ll get it. 🙂