I started this journal since having started reading ‘Letting Ana Go’ by Anonymous. It’s done in the style and tradition of ‘Go Ask Alice’ which is more familiar to people then the others that have followed suit. This one specifically is not pertaining any drug use, but rather the topic and sensitivity surrounding anorexia. It’s a pretty sad story so far, as I’m 20 pages from the ending still, but I already know how it ends. :/
Anyhoo, this book did get me thinking of my old skinny jeans I once fit nicely into. The way it made me feel inside and outside. I felt alive. Not just because I was blasted out of my mind on crank, but because I could feel my bones in my body. And that may disgust some, but at that point, I fell in love with that feeling. I remember it so clearly that one night I discovered it. I was living with my mom and Frank after having left Joy and Derek’s house and having have had enough of living with constant party people who never let up. I was of course typically coming down off a few weeks binge and as I lay in bed, and felt so lost and alone as the crash came down on me and nobody to be found to even want to care or comfort me, I wrapped my arms around myself, and felt that skinny frame of my stomach and the bones in my shoulder blades and below my neck. It was the most amazing feel. And I can never get that image out of my head. This girl took it too far. I know once I hit my weight I can stop and settle and take care from that point forward. I wouldn’t ever resort to using meth just to get skinny. Fuck that noise. I’ll never throw these 5 almost 6 years away just for that. But – my little trick is since having come clean off the meth, I haven’t full recovered in other areas. My appetite did not come back all the way. Yes, I ate, and I once again enjoyed all those greasy fries and burgers that I missed out all those years frying my brain cells. I ate enough to gain all this weight and be what I am now. But I still don’t eat properly and not because I’m ‘anorexic’ but because I have a very small appetite that has not returned since the meth. I consider it a blessing and nothing I care to worry about. I’m lucky if I eat once a day. Sometimes I totally forget if I’d eaten that day or not and missed a day or 2. I’m just so not used to feeling hungry anymore. I don’t know what it is. I must admit I do fill myself up on Timmy’s coffee. That’s a lot of calories in a single cup with the sugar I add into it. That’s what fills me up. I’ll leave home for work in the morning, get a coffee along the way, drink that and once I get to work, have another and consume that before starting and that usually satisfies me through out my shift and through out most of the day / evening. That’s about maybe 1000 calories a day. That I don’t exercise off. I have a phobia of being around people who might be ‘watching’ or observing me, so a gym is out of the question. I have to cut back more on what I eat and pay attention to it. I really want this. Plus, I even looked it up on a site and it even says I’m overweight!!!
It’s true! Results:
Based on the healthy BMI recommendation, your recommended weight is 91.6 lbs – 123.8 lbs
BMI = 29.29 kg/m2 (Overweight)
normal BMI range: 18.5 – 25 kg/m2
normal weight range for the height: 91.6 – 123.8 lbs
you need 1558 Calories/day to maintain your weight
you need 1058 Calories/day to lose 1 lb per week
you need 558 Calories/day to lose 2 lb per week
you need 2058 Calories/day to gain 1 lb per week
you need 2558 Calories/day to gain 2 lb per week
So there you have it. I want to cut my intake down to 1058 at first until I’m used to it and then to 558. It’ll be hard, but until I get what I want I’ll fight for it. It’ll be mine someday soon.