Throughout my day today I consistently felt as though something was weighing me down. I felt so lonely, so depressed and hopeless. I honestly didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning. But, I was instantly awake when I head the pitter patter of Little Logan. Then my crazy day started.
When Brian is out of town like this, I have way too much time to think. Time to ponder the unknown and force myself to a state of depression. It’s almost like a never-ending cycle with me. All of my doubts re-surface and show their ugly faces and i’m forced into a mood stuck between angry and hurt. Angry that this might be happening to me yet again and hurt that i’m allowing this to continue. But on the other side of it, I wonder if any of it is true. The doubts and frustrations keep me awake at night; they’re like demons who won’t let me rest. So that got me thinking: if this relationship that we share was were it should be, I shouldn’t even be having these doubts. What I mean about the relationship being “where it should be” meaning that there was undying trust, everlasting love and happiness; true happiness. I thought so many times that I had felt that burning in my heart, but I think i’m wrong. Now, I just don’t know where to go from here. I can’t deny what my heart feels and I’m truly head over heels in love with him. I wish that he were a little more of some things, and less of others. Saying that I wish he were different is basically saying I don’t love him for who he is. So, in the end I wonder if it all will be worth it? He comes home tomorrow and i’m having mixed emotions again. I hate these feelings because it causes me to second guess myself – and everything in general.