It was sad hearing him say it tonight. I wasn’t thinking of marriage…furthest thing from my mind, only being together for 6 months. Still it hit my heart and I found myself tearing up hearing those words from his mouth, “I never want to get married again”.
I was married two times…the first one I don’t even count since it only lasted a month. I was 17, pregnant and our parents told us we needed to get married…nothing neither one of us wanted. My second marriage though, I did want and I had thought he wanted it too. We were engaged for 4 years and already had our second child when we decided to make it official. I was wrong though and I should have seen the warning signs….like him calling it a merge, as if I was a company he was investing in. Later he did tell me he only married me, because he felt it was the right thing to do since we had kids…that was the only reason. That marriage lasted 15 years…I had walked away, due to not feeling as though I was wanted and for other reasons.
I guess when I heard those words from my love tonight it hit home…making me feel as if I would never have the honor of someone truly wanting to spend the rest of their life with me. I know it may sound silly. I know you don’t need to have a piece of paper to prove what is in your heart. It just got the best of me…it did deeply sadden me.
Tonight I started thinking about it. Would I want to get married again one day? My answer was yes, I do hope so…one day. I know the man I love doesn’t want too. So, what do I do with that? Do I stay? Do I walk away? He has told me what he wants. Do I share what I want? Do I hang on, because of love we share? There could be resentment after some years, if we both want the same thing we do now. Do you take that chance and wait it out or is it best to let it go now?
My mind is twisted tightly around these thoughts tonight.