12.5.13

Maybe its best if I never find happiness again. In the end, everything goes away, or gets damaged, ruined somehow. I don’t think I could take another loss. Maybe…I should stay away from any possibility of happiness altogether. What would I do with it anyhow? Wait out the days until something goes wrong? Be happy until one day…I’m not? I may be alone and not elated but at least that is a consistent emotion. Its steady. Its certain. If I don’t find someone to be happy with again, that can never be taken away from me. If I stayed this way, always…what could the world take from me? I suppose things could always get worse. But the crash, the impact from 5 to 0 wouldn’t be as harmful than as from 10 to 0. Maybe I could go emotionally lower even, but still function. I am barely functioning now though. I’m starting a journal because…what does it matter? What I say…what people hear, know or don’t know of me. Its not important enough to not do. It doesn’t matter. They are thoughts like you have thoughts like we will all continue to do so. Mine may make less sense, or more. That doesn’t matter either.
I wouldn’t even know what to do with real happiness anymore. I use to envision a husband, and children, and a perfect house. A creepy, beautiful, dark and loving family. Something strange, but whole. Something like me. Something everyone else misunderstands, but ourselves. Something so cut off from the rest of the wicked world, while being wicked in itself, in the most perfect way. I think I’m looking for the kind of happiness that only a family of ghosts could obtain. Its not real, or worldly. Its an abnormal peace that can only come from all of us being dead, and alone, and with each other forever.
The fog this morning is making me lonely. Lately everything makes me lonely. The only time I am not lonely is when I am with other in my mind. Certain people that in one way or another, make me smile inside. Just in the way they are, the way they speak and dream and see things like me. Then I think, to be with someone like that…I could be happy. But to lose something like that, that I may never recover from. I barely recovered from losing those I never really loved. What would happen if I ever found…and lost real love? Maybe its not a risk worth taking. But I’m an artist maybe its not my choice to take it or not. Maybe it will just happen and all go horribly wrong and something will come from me in those darkest moments that will change the world…do you see what the fog does to me? Makes me foggy.
I wish I could get out of America for awhile. I do. I would go to the Carpathian mountain an dlive with a little rural family. Id wear handkerchiefs on my head and heard sheep and live off the land surrounded by sky and fire. I just have this feeling that no matter how far I go, I will still feel alone. After all, no matter where you go, you take yourself with you. And at night, when the stars shine and the flames are warming me, I would just breath in the cool mountain air and still sigh out loneliness. It wouldn’t matter how far, how vast, how exotic the land I were in. I would enjoy it for the day and my nights would be empty. There’s only so long one can love the sky before they look down next to themselves…and see nothing.

2 thoughts on “12.5.13”

  1. Your young you have time:) Maybe if your thinking was a little more positive you would feel better. When I get sad I think of all the things I am grateful for like legs,eyes, hands, food, heat shelter and friends, And my little dog sprout and my loving husband. Sorry your feeling bad and hope you start feeling better soon.

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