I’m Sorry…

Like, I don’t know what to do with myself. My best friend of like, 8 years died hating me. The last thing she ever said to me was that she couldn’t accept my apology. When the argument wasn’t even my fault to begin with. Well…it’s complicated. Me and her, we never fought. We were so close to each other. But then, she started hanging out with this pothead. He was suchhh a bad influence on her. She started doing things that I didn’t agree with. I put up with it at first, until my boyfriend showed me just how badly she was treating me (and no it wasn’t that he brainwashed me or whatever). But he honestly opened my eyes. She was treating me like dirt. She cheated on her current boyfriend with the pothead guy. Then, I don’t even know what happened. But I heard rumors that the pothead was going around talking about all the girls he’s going to fuck and shit. While she was developing real feelings for him. She didn’t believe me when I told her what I heard. Even if she did she simply said she didn’t care. Time went on, and my dad got worse. I was severely depressed and it was noticeable at school. I couldn’t focus on anything, and I lost connection to my friends. I felt so out of place. My best guy friend, who was my ex boyfriend (that’s another story for another day), talked me into checking into homeschooling and still getting my diploma with my class. 

My parents were cool with it, so I scheduled a meeting with my counselor. I needed to tell someone what was going on, to get thoughts. But I knew the distance that was between my bestie and I. So I decided to confide in a girl I’d known since elementary school. However, this other bitch was also in our class (we were friends at the time). But I told them how I wanted to be home, and finish school online. I specifically told them, HEY I gotta find a way to tell my bestie, so no one say anything. They agreed. 

The fucking whore of a person told her behind my back, and made me sound 100000 times worse. I swear on my life I wanted to punch her before I left. She was lucky as hell I didn’t get the opportunity. But anyways. So my meeting with my counselor was the next day. I went and got things settled. Turns out, they wanted me to leave that day. I was like, shit. I need to tell my bestie. So. I got my books turned in, and went to find her at lunch. 

Me: Hey. Ummm. I gotta talk to you, and it’s kinda big.

Her: What?

(My friend Josh that already knew): You might wanna sit down for this. It’s crazy. 

Me: Today’s my last day here…I’m being homeschooled now.

Her shrugging: Well that’s on you. Come on Kala, let’s go get lunch. 

*They both walked away from me. Left me standing there. 

(Kala was the whore that told her). 

Anyways, I sat there so upset. My heart broke into so many pieces. I never wanted this to happen. I just didn’t know how to handle everything. Needless to say, she didn’t speak to me the rest of the day. After her stunt I assumed we weren’t friends anymore. After a week or so of not talking, I decided to tell her EVERYTHING I felt about her. Which I was mad at the time so it wasn’t too nice. I said things I really shouldn’t have. But it is what it is. She responded with a totally ridiculous message. However, she did tell me to call her at the end…

I’m a stubborn dumbfuck okay…I never called her. I wanted her to make an effort to talk to me. Then there was all this he said she said bullshit. And I really don’t know. Things just got outta control. I hate how we both acted. And now I can never fix it. I’ll never be able to tell her that I love her so much and that I’d give everything in the world to have her back. 

And it won’t matter what anyone says, because she died hating me. There’s no way I can ever feel differently about it. She’ll never be here to tell me otherwise…

3 thoughts on “I’m Sorry…”

  1. You are a very strong girl. I read your bio and this story. But I can see you are very strong & probably independent. I am sorry about your loss. And I am sorry for what happened before…Try not to think about it? Just remember the good times. I understand she might have died “hating” you. But do you honestly think that? Like in the movie Alaska, he boy says to his father “I wish you were the one who died not mom!” But yet during the movie, when he found out his dad’s small plane had crashed, he went for him to save him. I guess my point is, whatever happened. Words are words. Yes, in the moment you don’t think 100% and you say things you may not mean. But remember that.

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