Him

I am not quite sure how I should really be feeling anymore. Was any of it worth all of this pain I am now feeling. Does he even know how much I care? Does he understand how much I gave for him, not only physically but emotionally. I gave up everything and everyone to be his everything. I hoped to be his forever. If only it had paid of. I dont know if I can accurately explain this to anyone, but when I say he was my everything I literally mean he was my everything. He was always all around me whether we were together or not. He was the earth I walked on, The air I breathed. The stars in the moon in the sky on a cool night. He was the sun that kissed my freckles in the summer, or the breeze that warmed me in the spring. It may sound crazy but he was everything and everywhere yet nothing all at once. Now that he has chosen to be pretty much done with me, everything is different. The foundation I walk upon is weak, and the air I breathe has been poisoned. The sky is empty and the sun is hiding away. I keep searching and searching for something, anything to fill this void he has left within me. I honestly don’t know how someone could leave a hole this big in my heart. Its like he was everything good in me, being around him and with him made me want to be a better person. He inspired me to be who I am. He always told me how smart I was, and on a lucky occasion, how beautiful I was. Now that he has left me alone, I don’t feel any of those things. How could I have let the boy from fifth period chemistry, who wore a My Little Pony T-shirt become my everything. The worst part is, from the moment I saw him I knew he was the one, I knew there was something interesting about him, but I know he never felt that way about me. Nor will he ever. He has made his choice loud and clear. He chose her and not me. It is something I will slowly have to learn to accept but it is so hard to do that. I wanted to be his first kiss. I wanted to show him weird old movies, and how to cuddle. I wanted to drink hot chocolate and snuggle with him in the winter. I wanted to just be in his arms and know that everything would one day be okay. I now know that that will never happen. She has already shown him love. She has stolen that first kiss that I so desperately wanted. She has probably shown him the world and that is something I will never get to do. I want to move on but how can you move on when your once whole hart has now been destroyed, and thrown away like some piece of trash?  How can you move one when someone goes from being your bestfriend, someone you tell everything to, to being a complete stranger overnight? How can you move on when you know that no one will ever compare to the sweet, sweet boy that you have let slip through your fingers. I know this may all sound a bit silly, or redundant, but I just want those late night conversations back. I want to be able to tell him everything again. I want to be able to hang out with my best friend without being persecuted. Most of all I want my self back. And that, I think is going to be the hardest thing to regain. I want the happy, young, naive girl who believed in fairy tales, true love, and happy endings. The one who had hope in the world, the one who was willing to give her whole heart to a boy she knew would never love her back. The only difference, is I would hope to be more guarded. I would know not to give my whole heart so even if I lost almost everything, I would still have some tiny sliver of hope to keep me going, but now Its just hard to get out of the bed. Oh how I would change everything, but nothing at all. Oh how I wish to be that girl again, but not to feel the same hurt. Oh how I wish to be his, but to have done things differently and only given him bits over time, instead of laying my everything out on the table in the beginning. Oh how I wish those things could change, but sadly I know there is no going back.

4 thoughts on “Him”

  1. lml , it’s ok. It’s good to have diaries / journals like that. You could tell when the person was confused or stressed. So , any way you want to write it , it would be good. haha

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