Random thoughts I dunno

Well, I dont know if I am going to be able to do this well, I mean I keep a journal, and I need to practice typing so this is like two in one, but I am very afraid that someone is going to judge me, or someone is going to find this and use it against me, but I guess I am willing to take that risk.

Basically everything is getting so hard to deal with now and I am not really sure what to do. I know alot of it has to do with being in highschool, but it is so stressful. Like these people expect me to do all this work to plan my future now when I can hardly decide what i want for dinner? Not to mention all the ass holes at school. There are so many insensitive people and it is awful.

I dont want to use this as some sort of excuse for anything, but i have anxiety and its like everyday tasks are beginning to get harder and harder because of it. People talk and talk and I cant focus and then I end up going home and crying because people cant do anything but tell me how annoying I am for daring to ask them to be quiet. Its like how dare you try to learn and pay attention.

All the time I get to feeling so left out too. Like I see all y friends doing all these things together and I rarely get invited to do anything and it just makes me feel like the biggest peice of shit. Like people only invite me to events when they need me for somethign and it is so hard to try and get better when I just sit at home feeling unwanted and lonely.

I really honestly just want to be 100% loved by someone unconditionally. I want more than anythign for someone to deal with my selectional clinginess, and my random mood swings, and how sometimes when I am really excited I get a little hyper. I want someone to tell me all the things they love about me and for that list to be filled with my biggest insecurities because even though sometimes I can be a handful, they care about me enough to put up with my shit.

I really dont knwo when that day will come, but I really fricking hope it does soon.

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