Over and over

As I sit here and think about the same things over and over again, all I can really think about is how you said you’d never leave me. That you’d always be here for me no matter how weird my feelings for you were. But forever isn’t really forever is it? Did I really mean as much to you as you said I did? I know you never loved me in the same way that I loved you, I thought our friendship meant something to you. I thought the nights you stayed up with me on the phone making me feel better about the bad going on meant something to you. That all the times we hung out weren’t just out of pity.  Its like everyday all I can think about is you and how you’ve completely left me alone for some girl who probably barely even likes you. I hate to feel jealousy, but all this is so unfair. I know she doesn’t know as much about you as I do. I know she doesn’t know that you cry over your family problems too. Or why your brother got kicked out. She hasn’t had the awkward conversations with you dad, or ridden in the back seat of your moms fancy car. Maybe she has now, but its not the same. She doesn’t know you like I know you, and no one will ever know me like you know me.

Everyday I woke up you were what was on my mind dear. You and no one but you. Still to this day I wake up every morning thinking of you, but it is different now. I no longer get to see your shining red hair in the mornings. I dont get to hear your low grimacing chuckle, or the way you would linger on words and pause to think before you replied. I miss the way you’d tell me I was smart or pretty, or when you’d laugh at my jokes. I miss the way you looked at me with those pale green eyes. I miss talking everyday. I miss my goodnight text. I miss when you would get annoyed with me but just kind of smile because you knew I meant no harm. Or when I’d confess my feelings for you multiple times, and you always rejected me, but i somehow was always okay with it.

Most of all I miss you! You promised me that nothing would change the day you started dating the girl who already hated me. You promised that you would be there for me. Well, Where are you? I keep on waiting for you but you never come. I text you and you rarely reply. I tell you I need help but you seem distant. What happened to forever? What happened to always? What happened to nothing will change? I sit here waiting and waiting and replaying the empty promises you made over and over in my head, but nothing ever happens. Maybe I was naive enough to believe that you were different, or that someone could care for me as much as you acted like you did, but you are a liar. And that is something I am learning to accept. Every damn day I think of you, and I want you, but i know that will never happen, or that if it did happen, it would be a miracle, but I cannot move on from you. Its like youre a magnet drawing me in. Anytime I even think of another guy, I think about how he could never compare to you and I cut off all ties. I know thats not healthy, but I cannot help it. I guess Im just gonna have to try harder to move on, but you will always be in my heart dear, and that is a promise I will keep.

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