Things about things #2

*Before I start this I am warning you that there is talk of questioning religion and suicidal thoughts in here.

I still can’t cope with my anger. Since last week, I have been having angry rampages. I’ve physically hurt one of my friends today (He hurt me too, but I still feel guilty) and snapped at another. I don’t know why this is happening, it hasn’t happened a lot before. Before this year, I’ve only hurt someone once out of the feeling to want to hurt them.  I will probably write on here much more often now that I can’t confide my feelings with anyone I know anymore without being judged or a nuisance. I used to write out these feelings in my reflections of my logs (which went to a teacher that I trusted until now) and before I started those logs they went in “letters” that I gave to one of my old friends. The only reason I don’t tall to her now is because I moved to a different school and don’t see her (We don’t talk on the phone much because we are both busy with our lives and the only free time we have is Saturday, and sometimes not even that since moving up a grade provides us which much more work and projects). Moving on, I am starting to feel that I am living a useless life. I get good grades to impress my parents who are never impressed in me. (They are proud of my sister getting a perfect score on her STAR test in 3rd grade, but this year I got a perfect score-plus bonus points-on my Constitution test and they don’t care. I am happy that my brother was proud of me though.) Most likely I am going to end up getting some office job that I will screw up. People are going to judge me for my looks, speech, race and gender. I am probably never going to finish any of my stories or poem collections. I will most likely never raise any kids because of my limited patience and great dislike for children (I told this to one of my friends and she said “But your still a child! Sou your saying that you also don’t like yourself!” I replied with “Exactly.”) So what is the point? To live and suffer? Not that killing myself or dying would be any better. Heaven is just wishful thinking. It may or may not exist. Maybe when we die that’s it. Maybe we are reincarnated and don’t remember it. I have no clue. Only the ones that have passed on know. (Or don’t know?) Now I am kind of just rambling on so I will stop for today.

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