He’s out using drugs

Been on and off since thursday night.  He’s just gone out again to the same friends house.  I know what they are going to do.  Neither of them can help themselves.

we were supposed to go Christmas shopping today.  Goodness knows when that will happen now, I work Sundays.

apart from strangers that might be reading this on the Internet, and some lady on the end of the drug and alcohol helpline, I haven’t spoken to anyone about this.  I’m to embarrassed to tell anyone I know.  Who wants to admit their husband is an addict?

everyone thinks our marriage is perfect.  They tell me how lucky I am. The don’t know how depressed and completely alone I feel.  i lie about how happy we are. How happy I am.  That constant feeling of having to put up a facade, being surrounded by people but feeling completely isolated.

i don’t know how I’m going to cope with Christmas and his family. I hate lying to them.  I won’t let them see how miserable I am.

they already think their son is a bit of a loser, I can’t let them see he also doesn’t make me happy.  That he makes me hate myself.  That I can’t stand the sight of him.  I wish he could stop using.  It’s not him I hate it’s the way the drugs make him act.  How insignificant I am to getting drunk or high.  Faced with a choice  between me and his addiction he’ll always choose his addiction.  That’s a pretty bitter pill to swallow.

 

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