Been on and off since thursday night. He’s just gone out again to the same friends house. I know what they are going to do. Neither of them can help themselves.
we were supposed to go Christmas shopping today. Goodness knows when that will happen now, I work Sundays.
apart from strangers that might be reading this on the Internet, and some lady on the end of the drug and alcohol helpline, I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. I’m to embarrassed to tell anyone I know. Who wants to admit their husband is an addict?
everyone thinks our marriage is perfect. They tell me how lucky I am. The don’t know how depressed and completely alone I feel. i lie about how happy we are. How happy I am. That constant feeling of having to put up a facade, being surrounded by people but feeling completely isolated.
i don’t know how I’m going to cope with Christmas and his family. I hate lying to them. I won’t let them see how miserable I am.
they already think their son is a bit of a loser, I can’t let them see he also doesn’t make me happy. That he makes me hate myself. That I can’t stand the sight of him. I wish he could stop using. It’s not him I hate it’s the way the drugs make him act. How insignificant I am to getting drunk or high. Faced with a choice between me and his addiction he’ll always choose his addiction. That’s a pretty bitter pill to swallow.