I Sometimes Wish

I’m sitting on the bed at my fiance’s house and its 3.14 am in the morning. My fiance thinks that their is people watching us and trying to get into our room to kill him. his hallucinating pretty badly, he thought that my brother wanted to put a hit on him. He couldn’t sleep at my house and went back home to his own house. he walked to United and my mum caught up to him in a car and drove him home. She was very worried for Steven. This whole time I thought he just wanted to get away from me but the truth was he was trying to protect me.  He didn’t want to start anything with jimmy and Kenny, He thinks my brother would really attack him in my house. I don’t know what to do… I’m the cause of this “Steven” to come out. I’m the cause to this mental break down. I’m so silly… I feel like shit ATM, I’M THE CAUSE of this. How do i fix this problem. I should of never let him take it. I only have myself to blame, even though Jamie said it wasn’t my fault. I know he was just trying to be kind… But the stinking truth is… I done this. I just gave him two Xanax to help him fall asleep. He was at the door of his room, trying to see if someone was going to come in the room. Worst thing was! he was holding a butcher knife. WTF… I have screwed someones life up. His falling asleep now. his micro sleeping. he couldn’t even keep his sentence off. HE must be so tired. and the stress that it’s causing him is turning him into someone that I never thought he’d be. God save from this insanity… I don’t want to see him like this anymore. I want him to go back to the days we were happy and carefree. I promise you god if you can do this for me, I will get off drugs. I’m ashamed of myself. What do i do from here. Do i stick by him through this storm. Or leave and when i leave he’ll be okay. He’ll find someone else!… Someone better suited for him. All i know is that, I don’t want to fuck up his life. I don’t want to be the cause of his demise.
His sleeping now, two 1 meg Xanax really knocked him out. I’m glad its work. I need the rest, and I can’t have him running around in the room with a butcher knife. lol.
My mum has been so supportive towards Steven and me. God bless her, I love her to the day i die. Life is to short, and you must realize who was there for you when you were down and out. Help and pick up your friend when they fall.. and most importantly, Just take care of yourself and your well being to move forward in life. Moving back, looking back.. just shows that you are always uncertain.

My baby is sleeping sitting up when he was trying to make a ciggie. the doofas. I love him so much, he would never lay a hand on me. Never scream, never should. swears, hit me. This is the man I need in my life to care and support me.
Abdullah does do all of that, but at the end of the day, he was way to violent and it’s to much work to stay with each other. Love is not easy, you want one thing, and when you have it… you find out its not really what you want. So the 1 million dollar question is, What do you want from this relationship. Do i want to proceed, or let it die and move on with my life. Because I don’t think i can handle much more then this. It’s driving me crazy.

I love you steven, I really do. But your still young and childish, your stubborn and arrogant, your obnoxious and condescending most times. But when you love me… Baby you really do love me. I wish I never got you in this position. 


Love and Peace.

Stay true, to you.




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