1/23/14

So its official. I am severally depressed… and becoming suicidal. Shit! I’m more pissed at myself than anyone else and that just makes me want to self harm or disappear more. I have family therapy today and that’s going to be a joy…not! Its all started last night. I have having an okay night, with a bit of a headache though. So I left my blanket out in the living room and when ¬†into my bedroom. I was cutting when my Mom knocked on my door and came in with out me even saying for her to. So I had to hide the blade immediately. I also had to put pressure on the cuts too. I was overwhelmed and scared. Being caught off guard like that was the cherry on top of my cake! I had been having two good days of no cutting, but now its all going down hill. So she puts my blanket on my bed. She says “hand it over” and tries to find what I’m using it cut. I told her to “back the fuck up or else”. I was not in the mood and I knew she was going to make me want to cut more. She should have just left but instead she took the hinges off my door. I have no door. I don’t care. I told her I would cut in front f her if she wanted. I know that’s a sick thing to say but I don’t care anymore. I’m numb. Completely. Whats real and fake I have no clue anymore. All I am; is slowly disappearing. It doesn’t matter if I go to a hospital or some where else. They wont be able to make me feel number like last time. I’m too far gone to be found.

My best friend Marcus sent me this picture last night. Hes like my brother. Technically he is my brother. I love him so much and I don’t know what id do with out him.

2 thoughts on “1/23/14”

  1. I have had endless wars with cutting and I know how hard it is to not do it, but things are worth it, they always are. I’m eightteen, I’m still a kid, I’m still figuring the world out, and I still hate myself in every way, but there are people in the future that will love you like you didn’t know was possible. They will make you feel as though you are the most valuable being on earth, which you ARE, and they will not only hide your wounds, but heal them with everything they have to offer. When you feel like cutting, think of the people in your life that are cut just as deeply by it and the people that you may not know yet who are just waiting for your absolute perfection to come into their life. And I’m sure that I sound like a sugar coated school counselor, but I have learned from experience that sometimes some honesty from someone who cares can be some of the best words you’ll ever hear. I know that you are a wonderful person because it is always the wonderful people who have the biggest doubts about themselves, so I know that you have more than enough fantastic-ness to offer the world.
    With the most love imaginable,
    SElisabeth

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